Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The War on Christmas

I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of having store clerks, tech support, and random people I meet on the street wish me "Happy Holidays". I mean really the nerve of these people wishing me happiness and joy. Who the hell do they think they are?

Oh wait, that sounds really stupid when you say it out loud.

Every God damn year I hear people bitch about how they are being oppressed because someone said happy holidays. Seriously? That's your version of oppression? You need to get out more. Maybe some time in Palestine or a country under Taliban rule will teach you what that word actually means.

Feel free to say Merry Christmas in return, or better yet be happy that they are saying something polite rather than "get your selfrighteous ass out of my way bitch"

Every year on the news and online it is the same ol rant about the war on Christmas. How others are forcing Christ out of CHRISTmas. Really is there a secret Jesus Gestapo that I am unaware of that is breaking into homes and steal Christ right out of peoples nativity scenes? Are there blockades outside of churches stopping people from worshipping on Christmas eve?

And my all time favorite rant is when a store advertises holiday trees for sale and people get up in arms because they don't call it but the proper name of 'Christmas tree'. Really? Proper name? hmmmm, seems to me they had a different name before Christianity started subverting pagan traditions in the name of converting. 

Yeah proper name my ass.

There is no war. Christmas is a paid frakin holiday. How much more government endorsement can it get? As long as you are allowed to celebrate on private property as you see fit stop your bellyaching.

If there ever IS a war on Christmas or Christianity it will be because of asshats like you who play the victim all the time usually while trying to actively oppress others and/or cram your beliefs down their throats

Friday, July 6, 2012

Dont confuse Crazy with Stupid

Einstein said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

That seems kind of insulting to insane people. In fact it sounds more like stupidity to me. Actually it is the common love child of stupidity and laziness.

Once upon a time I used to just hear my friends and family bitch and whine. Thanks to the advent of social networking now I get to hear EVERYONE whine.

My teachers hate me
My boyfriend keeps banging sluts
my job sucks
my kids don't listen
No one but me does housework

I could fill this whole blog post with examples but  there is no need. if you are intelligent enough to have mastered literacy you can probably think of a hundred examples all on your own. As if anyone cares.

Now there are times the universe truly screw you and I am all sympathy then. You got Parkinsons ... man that sucks. How can I help.  Your kid has a brain tumor, I'm here for ya. House burnt down, I have an extra room. Your Boyfriend is out banging sluts AGAIN while you are home with the kids. Nah that's your OWN stupid fault for putting up with his shit.

See people like to bitch and moan about how hard life is but rarely want to DO anything about it.Yeah change is a lot of work but nothing in life is free.

Are you really stupid enough to think if you just wait like a good little girl (or boy) that everything will change and come up roses.
Wishing upon a star never made a woman less of a victim. I tire Iron can but not a wish. 
Waiting for your good Karma to kick in so you can get a better job? Yes I would like fries with that.

If you want a better job then DO SOMETHING to earn one. 
If you want more money DO SOMETHING to earn it.
If you want to be treated with respect DO SOMETHING to earn it
If you want your kids to behave DO SOMETHING about it

For fuck sakes people this is not a hard concept. Is this where participation medals and 'everyone is special' philosophies have landed us?

In the era of the Internet! Finding a solution has never been easier. You don't even have to leave your home.

Stop asking when things will start looking up for you, and start climbing! 

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Oh Canada

It's Canada day weekend

So here is a crash course on why Canada is awesome. And for the 5 Canadians who read this blog you just get a free ego strokin ;)

Now Canadians in general are not a braggy bunch. In fact it took BEER commercials back in the 90's to really get us started on flag waving 

So we developed some national pride. And a few more awesome commercials swelled our heads some more. 

That's right. Catch us on a bad day and we will kick your ass hockey style. Generally though Canada is pretty good natured.

We are a trilingual country. Our official languages are English, French, and Satire.Check out some Royal Canadian Air Farce, or This Hour has 22 Minutes sometime. If Swift had the choice he woudl have been Canadian I am sure.

We are a country that actually believes in equality. We are where the slaves ran to. Where the Loyalist took off to. Where Gay doctors and other professionals are headed because they never have to worry about the next election rendering their marriage invalid. It was us that took in the young men who didn't want to die in Vietnam and gave them safe harbor.

We believe that  no child should die because  mom and dad can't afford a doctor.  

So some say we talk funny 

Well maybe we do.  Have you ever heard someone from Newfoundland  speak?Understanding someone from the bay is an art form. Great people though. I spent a decade living in Newfoundland. It was great because I LOVE to talk. I love talking so much I talk to myself on here. Anyways Newfies are friendly but they all tell stories like Bill Cosby. This bit by Shaun is so spot on I nearly pissed myself laughing 

And when someone from Prince Edward Island wants to start a fight you will damn well know it

Ok so I am picking on the Maritimes here but only because because that is where I live.

But all of Canada is awesome. Our National Anthem is kind of lame but Classified classed it up a few years back. 

Seriously I hope you listened and didn't just skip that song. It is awesome

We have the best Animal mascots in the world. A BEAVER. That's right, we love beaver up here in Canada. We also have a moose. Yummy yummy moose. 

We have awesome food 

Kraft Dinner 


Fish and Brewis (ok so that one is nasty but lots of peoepl like it)

we invented Instant potatoes.

You know what else came from Canada 
The Telephone
Nanimo Bars 
Walkie Talikes (think how lame your childhood woudl have been without Canada) 
Gas MAsk
Ice Hockey 
Trivial Pursuit 
The electron Microscope 
and (your welcome) THE WONDERBRA 

Oh yeah. We made a lot more than that but you know, like I said earlier we aren't real braggy

So now that you want to be canadian I will give you some tips. 

It is Kraft dinner NOT Kraft brans macaroni and cheese. 

It is cheese whiz not cheese spread (no matter the brand. You can buy no name cheese whiz and Kraft dinner up here)

You must prefer Tim Horton's over Starbucks.

If you hate hockey you still have a favorite team

We have a Primeminster

Our politics are confusing to those who didn't grow up here so this is Rick Mercer explaining how shit works in Canada 

And remeber the most impotrant thing about about being Canadian 


Friday, June 29, 2012

This is why your money doesn't make you happy!

Surely I am not the only one who has occasionally killed a few brain cells watching MTV Cribs.

These peoepl have MILLIONS of dollars and they WASTE them. With the exception of Motorcyles and Hummers they spend their money ALL wrong.

Walk in shoe closets are nice

But Walk in shoe clostets that conceal the entrance to your underground lair are epic.

Double curving stairs are awesome.

 Double indoor slides that land in a ball pit is genius though

And a crib shaped like a boat. Really you're a freaking millionaire and THAT is the best you can come up with?

I would have a water slide from my room to a pool.

Where are the trampoline floors? The monkey bars down the hallway? The tree fort with a water canon? The Delorian???  How do you have a bijillion dollars but no time machine (pretend or real)

THIS is why all the millionaire whiners say money can't buy happiness. Because they spend their money the way interior designers say they should instead of listening to their inner ten year old.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Oreos made me gay

Some people say boycotting Oreo over their support of  equality for LBGT  is a useless guesture but I disagree. We need to save our kids from the insidious message eating Oeros sends them.

I saw this picture of an oreo and immediately became a lesbian. Me a 29 year old woman who has been with her husband for over a decade and had three kids with him insta lesboIf *I* can fall prey to them what hope do innocent children have.

This is not the first time oreo has set out to pervert our youth. Oh sure it SEEMS like an innocent after school snack but where do you think kids originally got the idea that it was ok for Blacks and Whites to touch? You think they came up with that shit on their own?

No they didn't. Oreo planted that seed in their brain. If colors can touch each other at the supper table what is eh big deal if they do it in private????

Never one to be content with  the ruination of an entire generation Oreo is after our kids again. Telling them that it is ok to be gay. Encouraging their gaynes. They release "super gay" cookies that are bright and colorful and have kids screaming to consume their subliminal queerness.

What kid could so no to those gay cookies?

Even the regular color oreo is subliminally gay. Just watch a young boy attack that white cream filling. Yeah it's so freudian I could cry.

I could but I am off to tell my husband Oreos made me gay

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Did someone in here loose a grandma ?

Yeah there is a sentence you never thought you woudl hear at work.

Thursday morning I found out hubby wasn't working what I thought he was so in order to share a car I would have to drive to 30 mins and then home to take him in. 40 mins there and back for me to work, and then another 30 mins and home to get him at the end of his day. Like my days are not full enough.

So I called my gram. She doesn't drive but she does have a car.

She said no problem but asked if she could come with me so she could go out for a birthday dinner. FRAK! I forgot Grams Bday. I am the worst grand daughter ever.

:"are you sure gram I have to work for 2 hours"

"yeah I want to have a nice dinner, and coffee, and dessert"

"yeah but two  hours is a long time"

there was no talking her out of it. one thing about grandma is that she is stubborn. So i walk down to her place before work and her and I take off to the town where I work. I get to town 15 mins early and ask where she wants to eat.

"Gram that restaurant is in the town where hubby works"


Condition red! Condition RED!

 I have to work. I can't leave a room full of grade-schoolers unattended! shit shit shit, what am I gonna do now?

Grandma to the rescue "well there is a restaurant right down the street that I used to really like"

Um yeah turns out there USED to be a restaurant there, probably 40 years ago!

FRAK I am gonna be late. so we keep driving looking for a restaurant and she spots a sign for Pauls. She has had their fish and Chips in the past so she wants to go there. Of course there is a problem with this plan and I tried real hard to explain it to her.

"um. that's  a bar"

"I don't care I like their food"

"yeah but gram, you can't spend the next TWO HOURS at a bar. What are you going to do there?"

apparently she was going to do whatever she damn well pleased because she was a grown ass woman  and if she wanted to go to a bar for her 77th Birthday she was gonna damn well go to the bar.

I know a lost cause when I see one so I watched gram make her way up the back steps, to the lounge, holding the railing tightly and supporting herself with her cane.  Now not only have I forgotten my grand mothers bday but I am leaving her at  bar for two hours. This made me OFFICIALLY the worst gran daughter ever. I was never going to top this.

I held onto that delusion for an hour.

I went to work (I teach an after school science program) and made it through an uneventful hour with my Kindergarten to grade 2 students. There is a bad flu going around so we have only five kids. My boss and I share that class so I was filling her in on grandma drama while the kids were doing their weeks experiment. At the end of the class all the moms filed in to collect their kids and one came up to us

"Did one of you loose a grandma?"

Oh no, could the floor just swallow me up now? please. Shit I am stil standing here. I am gonna have to answer her. 

"What happened?"

"I found her wandering around. She is in my car"


"Yeah she said she was going to the high school"

Oh sweet merciful Zeus. I don't work at the high school gram. If she had taken you there I would have never found you. I am never taking that woman out in public again!!

"Where did you find her?"

Turns out she was heading in the wrong direction to get to either my school OR the high school.

So I went and got her and brought her into my classroom. My boss at this time is laughing nearly uncontrollably. She made it 15 mins through the grade 3-5 program before she informed me she was going to the car. Not taking any chances this time I had my boss watch the class while I took her to her car where she said she was staying until I was done.

So I finish up my day, get all the kids to their respective parents, and head to the parking lot where I find gram sleeping in the passenger seat. I climb in the drivers seat and nearly get punched in the face.

"What was that for?"

"You scared me! I didn't know who you were!"

"What do you care? you get in cars with strangers!!! What the hell by the way. How did you even end up in this woman's car?"

"She pulled over and asked if I was lost"

"Oh my God Gram. Do you realize there were only 4 vehicles in this whole town headed to my class room. What if some weirdo had picked you up? What if a nice person had taken you to the high school? HOW WOULD I HAVE FOUND YOU?!"

"I guess you wouldn't have"

"yeah thanks! That makes it better"

Seriously I am NEVER taking this woman out of town again. OMG I lost my grandma. I have a parent who is entrusting her child's care to me show up with the elderly birthday girl I misplaced.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

What do I care?

I have very strong opinions about a lot of things that do not directly affect me and I constantly get asked "why do I care"

I am not Gay. Why and I so damn adamant about equal rights for the LGBT community?
I am not in high school and  neither are my kids. What do I care about bullying?
I am not black. what do I care about discrimination?
I am religious. What do I care about keeping prayer out of school?
I am not American. What do I care about the erosion of their rights?

This list could get very long. But the answer is the same for everything. I care because if I don't it makes me the problem. If I don't stand up for those who have no voice it is the SAME as actively harming them.If I am not part of the solution than I am the problem.

It is easy to live in our own little bubble. To ignore the injustices that do not directly affect us. If we do though we are the worst kind of person. If you walk past a homeless man being harassed and ignore it then you are just as evil and vile as the people harassing him.

If you hear a woman in distress but ignore it then you are as guilty of her rape as the rapist.

Yes I know my life view seems narrow but it comes down to this. I have seen too many people suffer when others had the power to end it. You have the power, if you choose not to use it I can only assume it is because you are a vile human being who does not care.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Set the bar low.

Trust me on this the WORST thing you can do in the early stages of a relationship is be on your BEST behavior. I mean what if it turns into a long term relationship? At some point you are going to have to shatter the illusion and fart in front of them.

If you are just hanging out and watching movies feel free to do so in your sweats. If you were by yourself would you squeeze your ass into you skinny jeans and do your makeup? HELL NO!

Yet when we start dating someone we try so damn hard for the illusion of perfection. No wonder so many marriages and long term relationships fail. You can't keep that shit up forever and stay happy.

If you start dating in the winter there is no need to shave your legs.No reason to run to the bathroom to burp. Feel free to order enough food to ACTUALLY fill yourself and laugh till you snort if the movie is funny enough to warrant it. 

It will cut out a lot of medium length relationships.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Guess how much I care about your religion or lack thereof ...

Atheist who call all religious people dumb, sheep, deluded, etc, I had your fuck in my back pocket but turns out that pocket had a hole.  OOPS

Religious people who tell me I am going to hell, Look up in the sky. See that fuck flying in the east. It was set aside for you but ... I'm not gonna give it to ya. 

People who bang on my door, NO FUCKS FOR YOU

People who try to make religion law, Ok because I don't want to live under the Taliban, I have to give a fuck ... but it will be with a splintery broom!

Really people. I am so sick of hearing about how YOUR way is the RIGHT way.

Seriously now though
Christians who judge me and tell me I am going to hell. Really now? Is THAT was Jesus would have done?

Atheist who judge and call me names for believing is a higher power. Wasn't it you bitching last week about how you hate being judged on that ONE aspect of who you are. Yeah I hate that shit too, so stop with the juvenile name calling.

And yes I am ok with being an Infidel. I have no issue with you wanting to practice Islam as long as you leave me alone about not wanting to.

So in conclusion. Being a Muslim, Pagan, Atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist WHATEVER
is not the problem. The problem is that some people are dicks and dicks can be found in every social subset. Stop making sweeping gerealizations, stop being a dick, and


Thursday, April 12, 2012

11 cents an hour! That's what I'm worth.

Yep that is what I learned last week I apparently value my time at ALMOST 11 cents an hour!

The people making Ipods in Chinese sweat shops get paid more than that.

See my toddler lost my keys last week. I spent three frantic days searching for them. Three days of my life I will never get back. Three days of sifting through kitty litter, emptying garbage cans and putting my hand up a cows butt. Ok so the cow in question was a puppet but the rest of it was still nasty.  I needed to find the keys because when I googled it I was told it would cost $200 plus to put in a new ignition.

OMG I can't afford that. Well I could but it wouldn't be easy! So instead of forking out the dough I stayed  housebound and rechecked all the places I had already looked. NOTHING, NADA, the keys had found my homes extra dimensional portal and went off to visit all the left socks and gloves.

As a last ditch effort my dad called the dealership and they said they could cut new keys from the VIN number on my registration.

Hallelujah ..  praise the lord .. I am saved. 

He went to the dealership for me (since I couldn't drive my car)  and returned with a shiny new key. For 48 dollars I avoided a new ignition. When  went to give him the money he laughed and told me "Just kidding it was $8.42"

Eight dollars and forty two cents. For a savings of not even nine dollars I gave up three days of my life. Are you fucking kidding me? That makes the value of my time less than 11 cents an hour! I ran the math.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Seriously America ?

Why is a Kinder Surprise egg (shown below) illegal in the United States but a fully automatic assault rifle with armor piercing rounds is ok?

I mean sure a kid COULD choke on a kinder egg if the parents don't watch them but these same idiot parents who don't supervise their kids can own guns?


This is what your lawmakers do with their time?  I mean not even making this about gun control

In what universe is a chocolate covered toy so dangerous that it needs to be more strictly controlled than fire arms?

 How much time and energy does Border Patrol exert ensuring no one smuggles in these high risk toys for young children to enjoy.

When is the last time a disgruntled postal worker went on a killing spree by lobbing kinder eggs.

Terrorist don't throw then into busy subways

Gangs don't chuck them out the windows during drive bys killing toddlers

Seriously America. Your priorities are FUCKED UP!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sorry I was ... or will be

Dear Parents, Teachers, and everyone else who had to deal with me.

     I am sorry.

     I am sorry that I was a teenager.
 That I was stupid, selfish and self centered. 
I am sorry that I was smart enough to make a plan, but too GOD DAMN STUPID, to make a good one.
I am sorry I ever tried to make a point using concepts I obviously didn't grasp.
 I am sorry that I underestimated you at every turn at treated you as if your parents were first cousins and you had glaringly obvious mental defects.
 Mostly though I am sorry the law prevented you from taking me out behind the barn and beating the stupid out of me. It probably wouldn't have worked but I bet you would have felt better.

Dear society

     I am sorry

 I am sorry that I was a toddler.
 I am sorry that I walked slowly and erratically down the grocery aisles making it impossible for you to pass me.
 I am sorry that I thought the word poop was the height of comedy.
I am sorry that I realized  banshee scream was a super power and tried it out on everyone I passed.
 I am sorry I randomly barked at people in parking lots making them uncomfortable.
 I am sorry that although leashes may have caught on muzzles were and are illegal for small children.

Dear Children.

I am sorry

I am sorry that I am gonna get old.
 I am sorry that I am not going to realize my own limitation.
 I am sorry that you are going to loose sleep wondering if I remembered to take my meds.
I am sorry I am going to be fiercely independent even after it would be safer for me to utilize assisted living.
 I am sorry I am going to hold on to my license like it is a lifeline long after my driving has become a threat to society.
I am sorry I will call you three times to tell you something important only to forget what it was each and every time.
 I  will NOT be sorry if you have to change my diapers though. You have that one coming

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Geeks are cool .... you're a poser

"So Jill said you were a geek, I know we will be best friends then because I am such a total geek too! I love Harry Potter I read it like twice"

"What's Dumbledores full name?"


"DUMBLEDORE! what is is full name?"

"Um, Albus?"

"Wow I think I would rather gouge my own eye out with a spork than be your friend"

    Now Knowing Dumbledore's full name is not exactly a prerequisite to being my friend, it's Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore if you were wondering, but if you are going to try to establish your geekhood based on HP it seems like something you should obviously know. Most diehards memorized it by accident.

In case your wondering that was pulled from real life conversations. I am a geek and I make no bones about it. The things I geek out about may have changed over time but my basic inner Sheldon has remained.In Jr high and high school I was a theater, chess, and choir geek. Books and music were my life with a bit of rugby thrown in for anger management. 

Now I am a book and music geek who runs a bi weekly game of D&D, plays magic the gathering, and gets more excited by a spirited, yet civil, debate than a naked Colin Farrell (ok well maybe that is a toss up) but my geekness remains an integral part of me.

The problem (?) is that somewhere along the way being a geek became cool, I used to think I wanted to be cool but now I have changed my mind. People pretending to be what I am annoys the shit out of me. It is bad enough I have to live in a world surrounded by idiots but now they are pretending we have something in common. It is kind of insulting. 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

why yes, my friends were raised in a barn

I did an experiment and it turns out as much as we claim otherwise human beings prefer to be in a dirty home.

This is a great revelation on a few levels.

1) if you don't want company, just clean like the queen is coming. Never, not once, have I swept, scrubbed, and scoured every surface in my home only to have unexpected company arrive while it still smelled lemony fresh.

2) If you are lonely or in a funk just stop cleaning. Yesterday I did no housework, I didn't even wash dishes. My floors had three kids worth of dirt on them, and my trash can was over flowing. I had NINE count 'em NINE unexpected guest last night.

Now I am not basing my conclusions on one occurrence. This has happened countless times in my life. To the point I want a sign that says

My house was clean yesterday
sorry you missed it

 Not only do I GET more company when my house is a pig stye, they stay longer. If a friend does accidentally wander in on a tidy home I can almost guarantee they will be gone again in 5 mins. However if it smells vaguely of 'eau de what the hell is that anyways?' they will stay and chat for hours, then ask to see the baby's room .......

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Stupid people are breeding .....

I just ran across this post on Facebook. 
Is pretty grossed out and will never be drinking pepsi and probably never pop after reading about them using the fetal cells from aborted babies in there flavoring!! Pretty grossed out!!
Seriously? you believe this? for even a second .... god I wish I could unfriend you!
If only there was some way you could just type in a few key words and get all the information you wanted about a subject without even leaving your computer. Any techie people want to help me design one, I am thinking of calling it "Google"  and then maybe after that we could create a fact checking site and call it something crazy like "snopes"

Seriously I am so tired of these fear mongering post being passed around. It makes me scared because most of the people doing it have reproduced or will someday, I am starting to wondering if there  has been some prolific inbreeding in my area over the last few generations to cause this spike in stupidity?

Lets take fact checking right out of it for a moment. Do you REALLY think a company as profitable as Pepsi would do something so STUPID  to endanger their earnings? Common sense tells me this is bullshit, fact checking just gave me proof of what a moron you are.
 If this was a once in a while thing I could probably handle it. Last year it was a craze over an influx of "poisonous caterpillars" well the picture of this new and deadly species that had invaded the area was the same as the pet I had 15 years ago, checked with dad he he played with them as a kid too, in fact his pet brontosaurus liked to eat them. 
There was people freaking out over babyfood recalls, if you read the article it affected food on another continent , every week it is something new. Once ina w hile I get taken in too, but some people I just want to set their home page to www.snopes.com