Oh Canada

It's Canada day weekend

So here is a crash course on why Canada is awesome. And for the 5 Canadians who read this blog you just get a free ego strokin ;)

Now Canadians in general are not a braggy bunch. In fact it took BEER commercials back in the 90's to really get us started on flag waving 

So we developed some national pride. And a few more awesome commercials swelled our heads some more. 

That's right. Catch us on a bad day and we will kick your ass hockey style. Generally though Canada is pretty good natured.

We are a trilingual country. Our official languages are English, French, and Satire.Check out some Royal Canadian Air Farce, or This Hour has 22 Minutes sometime. If Swift had the choice he woudl have been Canadian I am sure.

We are a country that actually believes in equality. We are where the slaves ran to. Where the Loyalist took off to. Where Gay doctors and other professionals are headed because they never have to worry about the next election rendering their marriage invalid. It was us that took in the young men who didn't want to die in Vietnam and gave them safe harbor.

We believe that  no child should die because  mom and dad can't afford a doctor.  

So some say we talk funny 

Well maybe we do.  Have you ever heard someone from Newfoundland  speak?Understanding someone from the bay is an art form. Great people though. I spent a decade living in Newfoundland. It was great because I LOVE to talk. I love talking so much I talk to myself on here. Anyways Newfies are friendly but they all tell stories like Bill Cosby. This bit by Shaun is so spot on I nearly pissed myself laughing 

And when someone from Prince Edward Island wants to start a fight you will damn well know it

Ok so I am picking on the Maritimes here but only because because that is where I live.

But all of Canada is awesome. Our National Anthem is kind of lame but Classified classed it up a few years back. 

Seriously I hope you listened and didn't just skip that song. It is awesome

We have the best Animal mascots in the world. A BEAVER. That's right, we love beaver up here in Canada. We also have a moose. Yummy yummy moose. 

We have awesome food 

Kraft Dinner 

Poutine

Fish and Brewis (ok so that one is nasty but lots of peoepl like it)

we invented Instant potatoes.

You know what else came from Canada 

Basketball, 

Insulin

The Telephone

Nanimo Bars 

Walkie Talikes (think how lame your childhood woudl have been without Canada) 

Snowmobiles

SnowBlowers

Gas MAsk

Sonar

Lacrosse

Ice Hockey 

Trivial Pursuit 

The electron Microscope 

pacemakers

and (your welcome) THE WONDERBRA 

Oh yeah. We made a lot more than that but you know, like I said earlier we aren't real braggy

So now that you want to be canadian I will give you some tips. 

It is Kraft dinner NOT Kraft brans macaroni and cheese. 

It is cheese whiz not cheese spread (no matter the brand. You can buy no name cheese whiz and Kraft dinner up here)

You must prefer Tim Horton's over Starbucks.

If you hate hockey you still have a favorite team

We have a Primeminster

Our politics are confusing to those who didn't grow up here so this is Rick Mercer explaining how shit works in Canada 

And remeber the most impotrant thing about about being Canadian 

SNOWBALL FIGHTS

This is why your money doesn't make you happy!

Surely I am not the only one who has occasionally killed a few brain cells watching MTV Cribs.

These peoepl have MILLIONS of dollars and they WASTE them. With the exception of Motorcyles and Hummers they spend their money ALL wrong.

Walk in shoe closets are nice

But Walk in shoe clostets that conceal the entrance to your underground lair are epic.



Double curving stairs are awesome.

 Double indoor slides that land in a ball pit is genius though

And a crib shaped like a boat. Really you're a freaking millionaire and THAT is the best you can come up with?

I would have a water slide from my room to a pool.



Where are the trampoline floors? The monkey bars down the hallway? The tree fort with a water canon? The Delorian???  How do you have a bijillion dollars but no time machine (pretend or real)



THIS is why all the millionaire whiners say money can't buy happiness. Because they spend their money the way interior designers say they should instead of listening to their inner ten year old.

Oreos made me gay

Some people say boycotting Oreo over their support of  equality for LBGT  is a useless guesture but I disagree. We need to save our kids from the insidious message eating Oeros sends them.

I saw this picture of an oreo and immediately became a lesbian. Me a 29 year old woman who has been with her husband for over a decade and had three kids with him insta lesbo.  If *I* can fall prey to them what hope do innocent children have.

This is not the first time oreo has set out to pervert our youth. Oh sure it SEEMS like an innocent after school snack but where do you think kids originally got the idea that it was ok for Blacks and Whites to touch? You think they came up with that shit on their own?

No they didn't. Oreo planted that seed in their brain. If colors can touch each other at the supper table what is eh big deal if they do it in private????

Never one to be content with  the ruination of an entire generation Oreo is after our kids again. Telling them that it is ok to be gay. Encouraging their gaynes. They release "super gay" cookies that are bright and colorful and have kids screaming to consume their subliminal queerness.

What kid could so no to those gay cookies?

Even the regular color oreo is subliminally gay. Just watch a young boy attack that white cream filling. Yeah it's so freudian I could cry.

I could but I am off to tell my husband Oreos made me gay