I'm hunting Elephants DUH!

I was reading a book on my lunch break when a co worker sits down next to me and says "Whatca doing?"

So I set my book down and told her "I'm hunting elephants"

Ask a stupid question right?

What about me sitting there reading invites people to try and strike up inane conversation? 

what are you doing? (hunting elephants)

what are you reading (I will hold it up and show the spine) 

Is it any good ( obviously or I would not be reading it) 

have you read anything by ___ (probably) 

When you see a person with a book the POLITE thing to do is ignore them.  I was there first, alone, and reading. Not my fault you chose to look for conversation in all the wrong places. 

I read to ESCAPE the mundanity of daily life. I only have a 15 minute break to travel to the world of make believe. Keep your damn reality away from me before I beat your ass with a hardcover 

Guess how much I care about your religion or lack thereof ...

Atheist who call all religious people dumb, sheep, deluded, etc, I had your fuck in my back pocket but turns out that pocket had a hole.  OOPS

Religious people who tell me I am going to hell, Look up in the sky. See that fuck flying in the east. It was set aside for you but ... I'm not gonna give it to ya. 

People who bang on my door, NO FUCKS FOR YOU

People who try to make religion law, Ok because I don't want to live under the Taliban, I have to give a fuck ... but it will be with a splintery broom!

Really people. I am so sick of hearing about how YOUR way is the RIGHT way.
 I DON"T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!

Seriously now though
Christians who judge me and tell me I am going to hell. Really now? Is THAT was Jesus would have done?

Atheist who judge and call me names for believing is a higher power. Wasn't it you bitching last week about how you hate being judged on that ONE aspect of who you are. Yeah I hate that shit too, so stop with the juvenile name calling.

And yes I am ok with being an Infidel. I have no issue with you wanting to practice Islam as long as you leave me alone about not wanting to.

So in conclusion. Being a Muslim, Pagan, Atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist WHATEVER
is not the problem. The problem is that some people are dicks and dicks can be found in every social subset. Stop making sweeping gerealizations, stop being a dick, and
 FOR FUCK SAKES STOP TELLING ME WHY YOUR WAY IS BETTER THAN MINE 

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, BUT IF YOU TRY TO FORCE ME TO, THE FUCK YOU ARE LIKELY TO GET, WILL BE MADE OUT OF METAL AND BE FULL OF RUSTY SPLINTERS!!!!

Are you talking to me?

See I thought we were having a conversation but now I am not sure since you keep reading and replying to text messages. Why would you ask my opinion and then only give me about 20% of your attention as I answer you? If those text were about your grandmother who is dying with cancer I could understand having to answer them the second they come in but they aren't.

It is your boyfriend texting how much he loves you for the hundredth time today, or your friend asking what you are wearing to the party tomorrow night.  I had a cell once upon a time and I loved texting for a reason. You wanna know what that reason was?

It was because I could find out what people had to say when it was convenient for me!

Honestly there is a time and a place for text messaging and it isn't when someone is trying to interact with you face to face. Some people are just way too "plugged in" these days. Don't bitch that I never come to visit  you when every time I do you spend the entirety of my visit at your computer playing on facebook.

Oh and while I am bitching why on earth can you not just SPEAK to the person on the other end of the couch? Do you have to text? I was taught that it was rude to whisper because other people in the room may be uncomfortable thinking you are whispering about them. You know what same goes for texting. If you want to have a private conversation with your friend GO SOMEWHERE PRIVATE. Texting them from 4 ft away is the equivalent of whispering in public.

Your life isn't that interesting

I love to talk. Face to face, on the phone, even online. I like it so much I even talk to myself on this blog. I like listening to other people talk as well. A good story can make my day. My Friends always have an ear for tales of stupidity on behalf of their husbands or offspring.

What I don't want to hear is a conversation I have no part in. Brief snatches of conversation in a mall or restaurant amuse me. Especially if it is something that kinda makes me wonder. I once was waiting for a movie and heard "You'd swear my clitoris was the Holy Grail the amount of time it takes him to find it". It left me with a lot to ponder while I waited for the movie to start.

I can't stand people though who talk so loud I have no choice but to endure their entire conversation. I think the amount I am exposed to this increases accordingly with cell phone sales but it could just be that I am getting bitchier by the year.

While strolling the aisles of the grocery store debating between Tostitos or Doritos I don't want a play by play of your grandmother's hysterectomy, your child's bowel movements or your husband's affair. However if I have to hear about it then I think I should be allowed to give my two cents.

Flaunting your dirty laundry in public is asking for input. Even if that input is that you are an attention seeking whore (hey you discussed at 80 decibels not knowing who the dad would be if that pregnancy test in your hand came out positive) you have no right to complain about it if you opened the can of worms.

There is a place to discuss things that are nobodies business but your own and that is in private.

So think twice before discussing this in public. Use your indoor voice and remember if you don't you may forever be used as a bad example in cyberspace.