Caitlyn Jenner wanted to be a woman more than I ever have

 Caitlyn Jenner put in a lot more work to be a woman than I ever have. In fact she put in a lot more than I would be willing to do if I was told I had to do it in order to stay a woman. 

I am saying this as a cisgendered woman (I was born with a vagina). Being a woman is just not that important to me. I have cursed it many times in my life. I can't even be bothered with most girly things like makeup or shaving my legs in the winter. I remember a brief period as a young teen of longing to have breast but once they were there I no longer really cared about them.

I don't have all that much of my identity wrapped up in being a woman. My gender may be a huge part of how other people see me but it really is not that big of a deal to me. well at east 75% of the time I feel that way. When I am on my period or when I was pregnant all bets are off and my life revolves around my uterus.

For  Caitlyn Jenner to go through what she has in an effort to be the person she is today her gender has to be important to her. It would have to be nearly all consuming. 

In all the backlash that I am seeing people keep asking "why would a person do that to themselves". The fact that so many of us can not truly wrap our heads around what she put her body and life through to be who she is today should be enough to tell us how badly she wanted this. She wanted this more than I ever have and yet I am treated as more deserving of feminine pronouns.

She wanted to be a woman badly enough to go through painful surgeries and recovery.I sometimes wear padded bras and consider the under wire a personal circle of hell.

She wanted this so badly that she was willing to risk loosing friends and family.
Her gender means a lot to her. For me it is not necessary to understand WHY she wanted to be a woman. There are lots of things about friends, family and strangers I don't understand. Hell I will never for the life of me understand how my children can watch videos of someone else playing minecraft. I don't need to understand. All I need to know is that it makes them happy and they are not hurting anyone. 

We are better than this Canada

Yesterday something horrible happened in Ottawa. A solider was shot and killed.

It is always a tragedy when someones life is taken by violence. In this case it was also shocking because the solider was not embroiled in combat but standing guard beside our war memorial.

This is the second solider who was attacked in Canada by Terrorist.

Both attackers were Canadian men. Obviously all Canadian men are insane bloodthirsty animals who should be treated like the criminals they are and be put on terrorist watch list and not allowed to gather in groups.

What? You think that sounds crazy? So how is it that so many people think it is OK  based on the fact that both attackers were followers of Islam to paint all Islamics with a wide and hateful brush?

I saw THREE separate people share this link today on FB. It calls for the shutting down of all Mosques.

Hate begets hate. These individuals are fueled by hate. They are vindicated when we go on the attack. When we start treating innocents like criminals it validates the proselytizers who say that we are the enemy.

Yes ISIS is scary. Terrorism is terrifying. We all want to find a solution.

 If I based my opinion of Christianity on what I saw in the news then I would think they were all  Pedophile, homophobic nut bags who bomb abortion clinics, Shoot doctors, and let kids die instead of getting medical treatment. Hardly a fair depiction.

Most people (myself included) recognize this as stereotyping and failing to apply logic. These abominable acts were perpetrated by individuals who happen to be Christian and are not indicative of the average Christian you will meet in the streets.

Lets extend the same courtesy to Muslims. Don't let your fear cloud your judgement. They are also Canadians who are suffering right now. If they want to gather at their mosque and seek solace lets not try and pretend it is any different from a candle light vigil at a church. They also have sons and daughter who serve in our military, they also have children and loved ones they fear for.

In fact I think they have more to fear than anyone else. Not only do they need to worry about their lives being shattered by a lunatic with a gun they need to be afraid of the current cries for so called justice I am hearing. They need to be afraid that because they were born into a religion that is currently unpopular they are being viewed as the enemy right now.

Notice the words under the statue

Canada is supposed to be a beacon to the world. We preach tolerance and peace. Today, for the first time in my life, I felt ashamed of my country. I was ashamed that we are allowing fear to splinter us and make us hateful. I am ashamed at the amount of hate that fills my social media streams. I am ashamed to see us becoming part of the problem.

We all have a choice to make. As we face this tragedy together we need to decide.

Will we fuel the hate that caused this
or
Will we reach out and show them that we will not break and we will not abandon our ideals. We will not become the rage filled monsters they want to portray us as. That no matter what, the Canadian ideals outlined in our Charter will not waiver. We will not uphold it only in times of convenience but also in times of turmoil 

Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms:

1. freedom of conscience and religion;
2. freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication;
3. freedom of peaceful assembly; and
4. freedom of association.

We are all in this together

#YesAllMen

The #yesallwomen hashtag is getting some flack. But there are something we hear/do all the time that most men never have to deal with. 

Because if you go out in public dressed like this "you're asking for it" #yesallmen

***

Because if he really didn't want it he would not have led me on by letting me buy him drinks all night #yesallmen

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"She wouldn't have been able to overpower you if you took self defense classes" #yesallmen 

***

Because I have to be aware of my surroundings at all times #yesallmen 

***

Because I have to text my friends to let them know I got home safe #Yesallmen 

***

So much of what we do is part of our daily lives that I, Speaking as a woman don't even notice it anymore. I see articles online about how to prevent yourself from becoming a victim. I don't leave drinks unattended, that is ingrained in me. When talking to a strange man I re-position myself so he is not between me and the exit. I save the pic a friend sent me of what she was wearing on a blind date and where they planned on going  in case I have to file a missing person report in the morning

I do all these things because I live in a world where I am more likely to be raped than get a promotion.

Christmas with no commercials

I have seen a lot of post on social media from friends who live away complaining about the commercialization of Christmas. About kids who were not grateful, about burnt turkeys.

Locally I have seen ZERO complaints. And we are heading into day four of a power outage for many people. Some will not get their power back until after the new year.

What I have seen is businesses opening on Christmas day and employees volunteering to work to provide the best Christmas they can for those who are struggling.

Restaurants opening up and offering free turkey dinners to those without power. Hotels offering free showers and a place to charge electronics. People loaning out or giving away spare generators. Friends and family spending the holidays in the house with power or wood heat.

For Christmas dinner yesterday we had hamburger helper, cooked in an electric frying pan powered by a generator. No complaining, not even from the kids. A lot of electronics that could not be played with were opened in many houses, with no complaining.

So for every post about people not having Christmas spirit or the holiday being too commercial, I say people have no one to blame but themselves.

Christmas happened in our town. It happened in many others. It happened because friends, family, and strangers MADE it happen.

People sacrificed in both large and small ways to make it the best possible for as many people as possible.

There are 2 kinds of sexy

I am going to use the boys from Supernatural for an example. If you haven't watched the show it is ok. Watching it is not necessary to understand this post. Oh and .... spoilers probably

Ok so on the left is Sam and on the right is Dean. Keep in mind that everything I say about their character from here on in is about SAM AND DEAN not the actors who portray them.

A week or 2 ago I was playing around on G+ and my husband was watching Supernatural on Netflix. during a lull in online conversation I turned to the tv. My husband and I have been together 13 years so he is pretty good (usually) at reading my face. Apparently he had seen my Hubba hubba  face.

He made a crack about me watching the show  now that I ha seen a hot guy. I will admit to being a bit shallow and that he was right. Eye candy gave the show an edge over G+. What he was wrong about though was who I thought the hot one was, at least at that point in time.

See he was referring to Dean and my eyes were glued to Sam.

Sam (for me) was the kind of sexy most of us want to be. What that sexy looks like is different for different people but it does the same thing to all of us.

Sam was the kind of sexy that grabbed my inner Neanderthal  by the uterus and screamed procreate. It was a visceral reaction.  He had physical traits that I gravitate to.

 Dean was moderately attractive possibly even average in my mind standing there next to Sam.
A few days (and goodness knows how may episodes later) everything had changed. Physically the boys still looked the same but Sam just wasn't doing it for me at all anymore.

Tall, broad shoulders,very square face, long legged.

Allow me to illustrate .... repeatedly

Yet even with all of THAT in his  favor had I been stuck in a room with that character in real life I would have kicked him behind the balls.

He is SUCH a whiny bitch so much of the time. Yes your mom died, and your GF. Your dad was preoccupied an not very good at nurturing. You didn't get the life you wanted. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD.

He is so damn angry all the time and when he is not angry he mopes.

So as the show progressed I found Dean significantly more attractive although I am still willing to concede Sam is a fine physical specimen.

Why is Dean the more attractive one to me now. His Character. He is not good at taking shit from people. I mean really does this LOOK like the face of someone you want to fuck with?

 And he actually has a sense of humor. In fact he has my favorite kind of humor ... inappropriate

 He is driven and determined to get his own way

So while Dean is an uberdouche an not physically as good looking as Sam at the end of the day his character is the more attractive of the 2.

And guess what there are women out there who feel the exact opposite. who are attracted to different physical and mental traits than I am. In fact I have heard a friend describe guys as "too tall" words that have never crossed my lips.

I did find Sam attractive again once he lost his soul. He very much became a single minded machine


and now I will end with gratuitous eye candy that serves no purpose

I'm hunting Elephants DUH!

I was reading a book on my lunch break when a co worker sits down next to me and says "Whatca doing?"

So I set my book down and told her "I'm hunting elephants"

Ask a stupid question right?

What about me sitting there reading invites people to try and strike up inane conversation? 

what are you doing? (hunting elephants)

what are you reading (I will hold it up and show the spine) 

Is it any good ( obviously or I would not be reading it) 

have you read anything by ___ (probably) 

When you see a person with a book the POLITE thing to do is ignore them.  I was there first, alone, and reading. Not my fault you chose to look for conversation in all the wrong places. 

I read to ESCAPE the mundanity of daily life. I only have a 15 minute break to travel to the world of make believe. Keep your damn reality away from me before I beat your ass with a hardcover 

Facebook and fake ass bitches

So just in case any of my FB friends ever Google my name and stumble across this blog let me just preface my post with this

Seriously if your feelings are that easily hurt you should probably just drop your internet connection

I am sure it happens on all social networks bu I notice it mostly on FB, probably because I know people IRL and can call them on their fakeness.

Lats start with parenting.  I thought I was the only one who got pissed off at people pretending to be perfect parents. Turns out I am wrong. Nearly half of moms admit to be stressed out by their inability to keep up with the parenting perfection they see displayed on FB, instagram and pintrest. Seriously I don't make this shit up.

I don't get it. I figure moms who have all their shit together are either lying or heavily medicated.

I see so much parenting fakeness.

Please don't post about how you did crafts with your kids and cooked an elaborate dinner and cookies from scratch. That doesn't change the fact that you were snorting lines of percocet the night before.

Don't post about how family is so important to you and you would not change a thing about your life if you could. Do you really expect me to believe that given the choice you would continue on unable to identify your baby daddy? THAT is your ideal?

Oh and seriously don't post about how your kids are the most important thing in the world to you when you abandoned them for a sex partner. More than once. Fuck that noise.

If all you ever post is a sales pitch trying to convince me your life is perfect I suggest you invest the time in therapy instead trying to figure out why you are so invested in convinces the internet you are something special.

So yeah fake ass bitches who play super mom ..... seriously if you never want to strangle your kids once in a while you obviously don't spend enough time with them.

And then there are people in perfect relationships.

yeah seriously I don't care who loves who more! get it off my home page and go wash his dirty underwear for a few years and then come back to me.

Seriously you are NOT that in love. I watched your last 3 breakups and reconciliations on FB. And that was just this week.

And don't even get me started on 14 year olds talking about forever. Trust me dude, someday she will just be someone your current GF is jealous about.

While I am on the subject don't post your breakups online. Seriously if you are on FB calling him names and airing your dirty laundry I am going to guess you are MORE than half the problem.

Oh  yes love is in the air. You know what else in in the air unsolicited advice.

Nothing makes my day quicker than a cliche printed in comic sans across an unattributed picture. Except sarcasm. I do love me some sarcasm.

Seriously do you even READ what you post? Take your own advice. Don't post about serenity when you are the single biggest drama creator I have ever met.

I have noticed most people are better at posting advice than taking their own. Here is a novel idea get your own shit together before you start trying to fix mine.

Facebook is not the place to try and convince people you have your shit together. Save that for a website with some anonymity. Most people on FB know you in real life, no one is buying the shit you peddle

Real women have a Vagina

Yes for the purpose of a snappy title for  this post I am leaving out transgender individuals.

This rant is brought to you courtesy of the phrase

"real women have curves"

UMMM NO.

Real women have VAGINAS other than that we don't have any criteria that every damn one of us promises to fit.

I have no curves!! I have a body that could photoshop the face of a 12 year old boy onto and you would not get any immediate double takes.

I am STILL a REAL WOMAN.

Mannequins do not look like the average average woman but they do look like  a REAL WOMAN. I hate hearing people say shit like "No real woman ever looks like that" Yeah some of us fucking well do.

You know what women come in all different sizes and as long as you are healthy ... whateves.

What I am sick to death of is hearing thin being described as a negative. I am what I am.

If I looked at a picture of an over weight woman and said she looked "gross"or "unrealistic" I would be accused of fat bashing but when the same is said of a model people pat each other on the back for being so wise and superior that they see though what corporate media is trying to do.

What they don't realize is that not everyone on the other side of the computer screen reading their comments looks like them.

I had 2 kids before I moved to the middle of the healthy weight spectrum. I spent years hearing other women call celebs who  had my body type all kinds of names.

I am a real woman, I have no curves, I can't help that.

How about we respect ALL body types. I see on Facebook and Google+ pages dedicated to overweight individuals. They have titles like "curvy and sexy". God knows what kind of flack I would get if I started a page called "Skinny even though I eat real food"

Now I get that thin is the societal image of ideal and that over weight girls put up with shit that I don't have to. I get that. I think it is wrong and unfair. I think that we need to work on projecting health over appearance.

Overweight young girls need to know they are still beautiful, we don't do this though by telling thin young women that they are gross. You should never step on one person in an attempt to lift another

Seriously just shut up already

Sometimes shit happens. When it does we often turn to friends an family for comfort. Sadly this is often a mistake.

So here is how this post works in Green is things people have said to me in Red is what I hear and/or think

Ready? Lets go.

When our house caught fire

Whenever a door closes a window opens
My Fucking window is warped shut from the heat of a fire. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you. I worked from home. I am now homeless and unemployed. Don't talk to me about mother fucking windows. K?

Is everyone ok?

Do you really think I would be so upset about my Harry Potter books if my Husband or child had been trapped in that fire? What type of soulless bitch do you think I am. ... wait don't answer that. Don't get me wrong I am glad you worried about my families welfare but seriously???????

When our second son was born 4 months early

God never gives you more than you can handle 

What about all those people who get so overwhelmed they commit suicide? Did God misjudge there? 
Fuck that 

When the same child passed away at 10 weeks (FTR I have heard most of these at almost every funeral I have ever been to)

It was for the best

Best for who? You know what, just shut up. You are too stupid to be allowed to speak unattended. It  certainly wasn't the best for me

He is in a better place 

......... (prove it!) 

It was God's will 

Seriously you just keep your meddling God right out of my life. I don't want no part of whatever God you deal with that tries to push me to just before my breaking point and then gets to decide how everything ends and call my suffering "the best" 

This is just a quick sample but there is a moral here. When someone comes to you (or you stumble upon them) and they are upset think twice before offering up any cliches.

I would rather hear a friend sincerely tell me "Man that sucks donkey balls" than hand me an empty platitude.

Some things you should NOT do as a couple

The couple who plays together stays together.

The couple who quits smoking together ... well bad shit happens.

I decided a back at the beginning of Feb that I was going to quit smoking on St Patrick's Day. We were partying on Saturday night so quitting on Sunday seemed like a good idea. As the date got closer the idea of quitting smoking for a third and hopefully final time loomed large in my mind. Then came the bombshell. About a week before my quit date appeared in my life Hubby announced he was quitting with me.

Sweet merciful Odin save me. Looks like I will be getting a divorce for Easter.  You would think that not watching hubby smoke would make life easier. There is no Cigarettes in the house and therefor no temptation.

Yeah you would think so.

Let me tell you. If there was a cigarette to be found in this house I would go find it, shove it in Hubby's mouth and light it. I don't say this to be a bad support system or because I want him to fail. I simply say it because I am not quite ready to go to prison yet.

I am a seether by nature. When things piss me off I seethe about it. Sometimes I snap but usually only when I am trying to seethe about too many things at once.

Hubby is a bitcher and a yeller.

So picture this. I am in the kitchen washing dishes. Seething because no one is helping me. Pissed off because I have to stop and let the dog out. Just finished eating and want a cigarette so bad I would stab the Dali Lama for one. When sudden;y Hubby yells at one of the kids. Worse he yells at the kids for ... the same shit he does!

Oh Yeah. So I am trying to quickly weigh my options. Ignore it does  not seem like a good idea because kid needs to know that he didn't really do anything that deserved being yelled at like that. Say something to Hubby, also seems like a bad idea because that will dissolve into a withdrawal fueled screaming match.

I got it. I'm gonna sneak up behind him with a piece of piano wire and murder him. Wait now I am back to my prison dilemma ....

Ok I will just drink some more Coke and see if I can find any cookies.

So moral of the story. If your spouse ever offers to quit smoking with you for moral support just murder them immediately and save yourself the suspense

The War on Christmas

I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of having store clerks, tech support, and random people I meet on the street wish me "Happy Holidays". I mean really the nerve of these people wishing me happiness and joy. Who the hell do they think they are?

Oh wait, that sounds really stupid when you say it out loud.

Every God damn year I hear people bitch about how they are being oppressed because someone said happy holidays. Seriously? That's your version of oppression? You need to get out more. Maybe some time in Palestine or a country under Taliban rule will teach you what that word actually means.

Feel free to say Merry Christmas in return, or better yet be happy that they are saying something polite rather than "get your selfrighteous ass out of my way bitch"

Every year on the news and online it is the same ol rant about the war on Christmas. How others are forcing Christ out of CHRISTmas. Really is there a secret Jesus Gestapo that I am unaware of that is breaking into homes and steal Christ right out of peoples nativity scenes? Are there blockades outside of churches stopping people from worshipping on Christmas eve?

And my all time favorite rant is when a store advertises holiday trees for sale and people get up in arms because they don't call it but the proper name of 'Christmas tree'. Really? Proper name? hmmmm, seems to me they had a different name before Christianity started subverting pagan traditions in the name of converting. 

Yeah proper name my ass.

There is no war. Christmas is a paid frakin holiday. How much more government endorsement can it get? As long as you are allowed to celebrate on private property as you see fit stop your bellyaching.

If there ever IS a war on Christmas or Christianity it will be because of asshats like you who play the victim all the time usually while trying to actively oppress others and/or cram your beliefs down their throats

Dont confuse Crazy with Stupid

Einstein said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

That seems kind of insulting to insane people. In fact it sounds more like stupidity to me. Actually it is the common love child of stupidity and laziness.

Once upon a time I used to just hear my friends and family bitch and whine. Thanks to the advent of social networking now I get to hear EVERYONE whine.

My teachers hate me
My boyfriend keeps banging sluts
my job sucks
my kids don't listen
No one but me does housework


I could fill this whole blog post with examples but  there is no need. if you are intelligent enough to have mastered literacy you can probably think of a hundred examples all on your own. As if anyone cares.

Now there are times the universe truly screw you and I am all sympathy then. You got Parkinsons ... man that sucks. How can I help.  Your kid has a brain tumor, I'm here for ya. House burnt down, I have an extra room. Your Boyfriend is out banging sluts AGAIN while you are home with the kids. Nah that's your OWN stupid fault for putting up with his shit.

See people like to bitch and moan about how hard life is but rarely want to DO anything about it.Yeah change is a lot of work but nothing in life is free.

Are you really stupid enough to think if you just wait like a good little girl (or boy) that everything will change and come up roses.
Wishing upon a star never made a woman less of a victim. I tire Iron can but not a wish. 
Waiting for your good Karma to kick in so you can get a better job? Yes I would like fries with that.

If you want a better job then DO SOMETHING to earn one. 
If you want more money DO SOMETHING to earn it.
If you want to be treated with respect DO SOMETHING to earn it
If you want your kids to behave DO SOMETHING about it

For fuck sakes people this is not a hard concept. Is this where participation medals and 'everyone is special' philosophies have landed us?

In the era of the Internet! Finding a solution has never been easier. You don't even have to leave your home.

Stop asking when things will start looking up for you, and start climbing! 

Oh Canada

It's Canada day weekend

So here is a crash course on why Canada is awesome. And for the 5 Canadians who read this blog you just get a free ego strokin ;)

Now Canadians in general are not a braggy bunch. In fact it took BEER commercials back in the 90's to really get us started on flag waving 

So we developed some national pride. And a few more awesome commercials swelled our heads some more. 

That's right. Catch us on a bad day and we will kick your ass hockey style. Generally though Canada is pretty good natured.

We are a trilingual country. Our official languages are English, French, and Satire.Check out some Royal Canadian Air Farce, or This Hour has 22 Minutes sometime. If Swift had the choice he woudl have been Canadian I am sure.

We are a country that actually believes in equality. We are where the slaves ran to. Where the Loyalist took off to. Where Gay doctors and other professionals are headed because they never have to worry about the next election rendering their marriage invalid. It was us that took in the young men who didn't want to die in Vietnam and gave them safe harbor.

We believe that  no child should die because  mom and dad can't afford a doctor.  

So some say we talk funny 

Well maybe we do.  Have you ever heard someone from Newfoundland  speak?Understanding someone from the bay is an art form. Great people though. I spent a decade living in Newfoundland. It was great because I LOVE to talk. I love talking so much I talk to myself on here. Anyways Newfies are friendly but they all tell stories like Bill Cosby. This bit by Shaun is so spot on I nearly pissed myself laughing 

And when someone from Prince Edward Island wants to start a fight you will damn well know it

Ok so I am picking on the Maritimes here but only because because that is where I live.

But all of Canada is awesome. Our National Anthem is kind of lame but Classified classed it up a few years back. 

Seriously I hope you listened and didn't just skip that song. It is awesome

We have the best Animal mascots in the world. A BEAVER. That's right, we love beaver up here in Canada. We also have a moose. Yummy yummy moose. 

We have awesome food 

Kraft Dinner 

Poutine

Fish and Brewis (ok so that one is nasty but lots of peoepl like it)

we invented Instant potatoes.

You know what else came from Canada 

Basketball, 

Insulin

The Telephone

Nanimo Bars 

Walkie Talikes (think how lame your childhood woudl have been without Canada) 

Snowmobiles

SnowBlowers

Gas MAsk

Sonar

Lacrosse

Ice Hockey 

Trivial Pursuit 

The electron Microscope 

pacemakers

and (your welcome) THE WONDERBRA 

Oh yeah. We made a lot more than that but you know, like I said earlier we aren't real braggy

So now that you want to be canadian I will give you some tips. 

It is Kraft dinner NOT Kraft brans macaroni and cheese. 

It is cheese whiz not cheese spread (no matter the brand. You can buy no name cheese whiz and Kraft dinner up here)

You must prefer Tim Horton's over Starbucks.

If you hate hockey you still have a favorite team

We have a Primeminster

Our politics are confusing to those who didn't grow up here so this is Rick Mercer explaining how shit works in Canada 

And remeber the most impotrant thing about about being Canadian 

SNOWBALL FIGHTS

This is why your money doesn't make you happy!

Surely I am not the only one who has occasionally killed a few brain cells watching MTV Cribs.

These peoepl have MILLIONS of dollars and they WASTE them. With the exception of Motorcyles and Hummers they spend their money ALL wrong.

Walk in shoe closets are nice

But Walk in shoe clostets that conceal the entrance to your underground lair are epic.



Double curving stairs are awesome.

 Double indoor slides that land in a ball pit is genius though

And a crib shaped like a boat. Really you're a freaking millionaire and THAT is the best you can come up with?

I would have a water slide from my room to a pool.



Where are the trampoline floors? The monkey bars down the hallway? The tree fort with a water canon? The Delorian???  How do you have a bijillion dollars but no time machine (pretend or real)



THIS is why all the millionaire whiners say money can't buy happiness. Because they spend their money the way interior designers say they should instead of listening to their inner ten year old.

Oreos made me gay

Some people say boycotting Oreo over their support of  equality for LBGT  is a useless guesture but I disagree. We need to save our kids from the insidious message eating Oeros sends them.

I saw this picture of an oreo and immediately became a lesbian. Me a 29 year old woman who has been with her husband for over a decade and had three kids with him insta lesbo.  If *I* can fall prey to them what hope do innocent children have.

This is not the first time oreo has set out to pervert our youth. Oh sure it SEEMS like an innocent after school snack but where do you think kids originally got the idea that it was ok for Blacks and Whites to touch? You think they came up with that shit on their own?

No they didn't. Oreo planted that seed in their brain. If colors can touch each other at the supper table what is eh big deal if they do it in private????

Never one to be content with  the ruination of an entire generation Oreo is after our kids again. Telling them that it is ok to be gay. Encouraging their gaynes. They release "super gay" cookies that are bright and colorful and have kids screaming to consume their subliminal queerness.

What kid could so no to those gay cookies?

Even the regular color oreo is subliminally gay. Just watch a young boy attack that white cream filling. Yeah it's so freudian I could cry.

I could but I am off to tell my husband Oreos made me gay

Did someone in here loose a grandma ?

Yeah there is a sentence you never thought you woudl hear at work.

Thursday morning I found out hubby wasn't working what I thought he was so in order to share a car I would have to drive to 30 mins and then home to take him in. 40 mins there and back for me to work, and then another 30 mins and home to get him at the end of his day. Like my days are not full enough.

So I called my gram. She doesn't drive but she does have a car.

She said no problem but asked if she could come with me so she could go out for a birthday dinner. FRAK! I forgot Grams Bday. I am the worst grand daughter ever.

:"are you sure gram I have to work for 2 hours"

"yeah I want to have a nice dinner, and coffee, and dessert"

"yeah but two  hours is a long time"

there was no talking her out of it. one thing about grandma is that she is stubborn. So i walk down to her place before work and her and I take off to the town where I work. I get to town 15 mins early and ask where she wants to eat.

"Gram that restaurant is in the town where hubby works"

"oh"

Condition red! Condition RED!

 I have to work. I can't leave a room full of grade-schoolers unattended! shit shit shit, what am I gonna do now?

Grandma to the rescue "well there is a restaurant right down the street that I used to really like"

Um yeah turns out there USED to be a restaurant there, probably 40 years ago!

FRAK I am gonna be late. so we keep driving looking for a restaurant and she spots a sign for Pauls. She has had their fish and Chips in the past so she wants to go there. Of course there is a problem with this plan and I tried real hard to explain it to her.

"um. that's  a bar"

"I don't care I like their food"

"yeah but gram, you can't spend the next TWO HOURS at a bar. What are you going to do there?"

apparently she was going to do whatever she damn well pleased because she was a grown ass woman  and if she wanted to go to a bar for her 77th Birthday she was gonna damn well go to the bar.

I know a lost cause when I see one so I watched gram make her way up the back steps, to the lounge, holding the railing tightly and supporting herself with her cane.  Now not only have I forgotten my grand mothers bday but I am leaving her at  bar for two hours. This made me OFFICIALLY the worst gran daughter ever. I was never going to top this.

I held onto that delusion for an hour.

I went to work (I teach an after school science program) and made it through an uneventful hour with my Kindergarten to grade 2 students. There is a bad flu going around so we have only five kids. My boss and I share that class so I was filling her in on grandma drama while the kids were doing their weeks experiment. At the end of the class all the moms filed in to collect their kids and one came up to us

"Did one of you loose a grandma?"

Oh no, could the floor just swallow me up now? please. Shit I am stil standing here. I am gonna have to answer her. 

"What happened?"

"I found her wandering around. She is in my car"

"what?"

"Yeah she said she was going to the high school"

Oh sweet merciful Zeus. I don't work at the high school gram. If she had taken you there I would have never found you. I am never taking that woman out in public again!!

"Where did you find her?"

Turns out she was heading in the wrong direction to get to either my school OR the high school.

So I went and got her and brought her into my classroom. My boss at this time is laughing nearly uncontrollably. She made it 15 mins through the grade 3-5 program before she informed me she was going to the car. Not taking any chances this time I had my boss watch the class while I took her to her car where she said she was staying until I was done.

So I finish up my day, get all the kids to their respective parents, and head to the parking lot where I find gram sleeping in the passenger seat. I climb in the drivers seat and nearly get punched in the face.

"What was that for?"

"You scared me! I didn't know who you were!"

"What do you care? you get in cars with strangers!!! What the hell by the way. How did you even end up in this woman's car?"

"She pulled over and asked if I was lost"

"Oh my God Gram. Do you realize there were only 4 vehicles in this whole town headed to my class room. What if some weirdo had picked you up? What if a nice person had taken you to the high school? HOW WOULD I HAVE FOUND YOU?!"

"I guess you wouldn't have"

"yeah thanks! That makes it better"

Seriously I am NEVER taking this woman out of town again. OMG I lost my grandma. I have a parent who is entrusting her child's care to me show up with the elderly birthday girl I misplaced.

What do I care?

I have very strong opinions about a lot of things that do not directly affect me and I constantly get asked "why do I care"

I am not Gay. Why and I so damn adamant about equal rights for the LGBT community?
I am not in high school and  neither are my kids. What do I care about bullying?
I am not black. what do I care about discrimination?
I am religious. What do I care about keeping prayer out of school?
I am not American. What do I care about the erosion of their rights?

This list could get very long. But the answer is the same for everything. I care because if I don't it makes me the problem. If I don't stand up for those who have no voice it is the SAME as actively harming them.If I am not part of the solution than I am the problem.

It is easy to live in our own little bubble. To ignore the injustices that do not directly affect us. If we do though we are the worst kind of person. If you walk past a homeless man being harassed and ignore it then you are just as evil and vile as the people harassing him.

If you hear a woman in distress but ignore it then you are as guilty of her rape as the rapist.

Yes I know my life view seems narrow but it comes down to this. I have seen too many people suffer when others had the power to end it. You have the power, if you choose not to use it I can only assume it is because you are a vile human being who does not care.

Set the bar low.

Trust me on this the WORST thing you can do in the early stages of a relationship is be on your BEST behavior. I mean what if it turns into a long term relationship? At some point you are going to have to shatter the illusion and fart in front of them.

If you are just hanging out and watching movies feel free to do so in your sweats. If you were by yourself would you squeeze your ass into you skinny jeans and do your makeup? HELL NO!

Yet when we start dating someone we try so damn hard for the illusion of perfection. No wonder so many marriages and long term relationships fail. You can't keep that shit up forever and stay happy.

If you start dating in the winter there is no need to shave your legs.No reason to run to the bathroom to burp. Feel free to order enough food to ACTUALLY fill yourself and laugh till you snort if the movie is funny enough to warrant it. 

It will cut out a lot of medium length relationships.

Guess how much I care about your religion or lack thereof ...

Atheist who call all religious people dumb, sheep, deluded, etc, I had your fuck in my back pocket but turns out that pocket had a hole.  OOPS

Religious people who tell me I am going to hell, Look up in the sky. See that fuck flying in the east. It was set aside for you but ... I'm not gonna give it to ya. 

People who bang on my door, NO FUCKS FOR YOU

People who try to make religion law, Ok because I don't want to live under the Taliban, I have to give a fuck ... but it will be with a splintery broom!

Really people. I am so sick of hearing about how YOUR way is the RIGHT way.
 I DON"T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!

Seriously now though
Christians who judge me and tell me I am going to hell. Really now? Is THAT was Jesus would have done?

Atheist who judge and call me names for believing is a higher power. Wasn't it you bitching last week about how you hate being judged on that ONE aspect of who you are. Yeah I hate that shit too, so stop with the juvenile name calling.

And yes I am ok with being an Infidel. I have no issue with you wanting to practice Islam as long as you leave me alone about not wanting to.

So in conclusion. Being a Muslim, Pagan, Atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist WHATEVER
is not the problem. The problem is that some people are dicks and dicks can be found in every social subset. Stop making sweeping gerealizations, stop being a dick, and
 FOR FUCK SAKES STOP TELLING ME WHY YOUR WAY IS BETTER THAN MINE 

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, BUT IF YOU TRY TO FORCE ME TO, THE FUCK YOU ARE LIKELY TO GET, WILL BE MADE OUT OF METAL AND BE FULL OF RUSTY SPLINTERS!!!!

11 cents an hour! That's what I'm worth.

Yep that is what I learned last week I apparently value my time at ALMOST 11 cents an hour!

The people making Ipods in Chinese sweat shops get paid more than that.

See my toddler lost my keys last week. I spent three frantic days searching for them. Three days of my life I will never get back. Three days of sifting through kitty litter, emptying garbage cans and putting my hand up a cows butt. Ok so the cow in question was a puppet but the rest of it was still nasty.  I needed to find the keys because when I googled it I was told it would cost $200 plus to put in a new ignition.

OMG I can't afford that. Well I could but it wouldn't be easy! So instead of forking out the dough I stayed  housebound and rechecked all the places I had already looked. NOTHING, NADA, the keys had found my homes extra dimensional portal and went off to visit all the left socks and gloves.

As a last ditch effort my dad called the dealership and they said they could cut new keys from the VIN number on my registration.

Hallelujah ..  praise the lord .. I am saved. 

He went to the dealership for me (since I couldn't drive my car)  and returned with a shiny new key. For 48 dollars I avoided a new ignition. When  went to give him the money he laughed and told me "Just kidding it was $8.42"

Eight dollars and forty two cents. For a savings of not even nine dollars I gave up three days of my life. Are you fucking kidding me? That makes the value of my time less than 11 cents an hour! I ran the math.