Oh Canada

It's Canada day weekend

So here is a crash course on why Canada is awesome. And for the 5 Canadians who read this blog you just get a free ego strokin ;)

Now Canadians in general are not a braggy bunch. In fact it took BEER commercials back in the 90's to really get us started on flag waving 

So we developed some national pride. And a few more awesome commercials swelled our heads some more. 

That's right. Catch us on a bad day and we will kick your ass hockey style. Generally though Canada is pretty good natured.

We are a trilingual country. Our official languages are English, French, and Satire.Check out some Royal Canadian Air Farce, or This Hour has 22 Minutes sometime. If Swift had the choice he woudl have been Canadian I am sure.

We are a country that actually believes in equality. We are where the slaves ran to. Where the Loyalist took off to. Where Gay doctors and other professionals are headed because they never have to worry about the next election rendering their marriage invalid. It was us that took in the young men who didn't want to die in Vietnam and gave them safe harbor.

We believe that  no child should die because  mom and dad can't afford a doctor.  

So some say we talk funny 

Well maybe we do.  Have you ever heard someone from Newfoundland  speak?Understanding someone from the bay is an art form. Great people though. I spent a decade living in Newfoundland. It was great because I LOVE to talk. I love talking so much I talk to myself on here. Anyways Newfies are friendly but they all tell stories like Bill Cosby. This bit by Shaun is so spot on I nearly pissed myself laughing 

And when someone from Prince Edward Island wants to start a fight you will damn well know it

Ok so I am picking on the Maritimes here but only because because that is where I live.

But all of Canada is awesome. Our National Anthem is kind of lame but Classified classed it up a few years back. 

Seriously I hope you listened and didn't just skip that song. It is awesome

We have the best Animal mascots in the world. A BEAVER. That's right, we love beaver up here in Canada. We also have a moose. Yummy yummy moose. 

We have awesome food 

Kraft Dinner 

Poutine

Fish and Brewis (ok so that one is nasty but lots of peoepl like it)

we invented Instant potatoes.

You know what else came from Canada 

Basketball, 

Insulin

The Telephone

Nanimo Bars 

Walkie Talikes (think how lame your childhood woudl have been without Canada) 

Snowmobiles

SnowBlowers

Gas MAsk

Sonar

Lacrosse

Ice Hockey 

Trivial Pursuit 

The electron Microscope 

pacemakers

and (your welcome) THE WONDERBRA 

Oh yeah. We made a lot more than that but you know, like I said earlier we aren't real braggy

So now that you want to be canadian I will give you some tips. 

It is Kraft dinner NOT Kraft brans macaroni and cheese. 

It is cheese whiz not cheese spread (no matter the brand. You can buy no name cheese whiz and Kraft dinner up here)

You must prefer Tim Horton's over Starbucks.

If you hate hockey you still have a favorite team

We have a Primeminster

Our politics are confusing to those who didn't grow up here so this is Rick Mercer explaining how shit works in Canada 

And remeber the most impotrant thing about about being Canadian 

SNOWBALL FIGHTS

This is why your money doesn't make you happy!

Surely I am not the only one who has occasionally killed a few brain cells watching MTV Cribs.

These peoepl have MILLIONS of dollars and they WASTE them. With the exception of Motorcyles and Hummers they spend their money ALL wrong.

Walk in shoe closets are nice

But Walk in shoe clostets that conceal the entrance to your underground lair are epic.



Double curving stairs are awesome.

 Double indoor slides that land in a ball pit is genius though

And a crib shaped like a boat. Really you're a freaking millionaire and THAT is the best you can come up with?

I would have a water slide from my room to a pool.



Where are the trampoline floors? The monkey bars down the hallway? The tree fort with a water canon? The Delorian???  How do you have a bijillion dollars but no time machine (pretend or real)



THIS is why all the millionaire whiners say money can't buy happiness. Because they spend their money the way interior designers say they should instead of listening to their inner ten year old.

Oreos made me gay

Some people say boycotting Oreo over their support of  equality for LBGT  is a useless guesture but I disagree. We need to save our kids from the insidious message eating Oeros sends them.

I saw this picture of an oreo and immediately became a lesbian. Me a 29 year old woman who has been with her husband for over a decade and had three kids with him insta lesbo.  If *I* can fall prey to them what hope do innocent children have.

This is not the first time oreo has set out to pervert our youth. Oh sure it SEEMS like an innocent after school snack but where do you think kids originally got the idea that it was ok for Blacks and Whites to touch? You think they came up with that shit on their own?

No they didn't. Oreo planted that seed in their brain. If colors can touch each other at the supper table what is eh big deal if they do it in private????

Never one to be content with  the ruination of an entire generation Oreo is after our kids again. Telling them that it is ok to be gay. Encouraging their gaynes. They release "super gay" cookies that are bright and colorful and have kids screaming to consume their subliminal queerness.

What kid could so no to those gay cookies?

Even the regular color oreo is subliminally gay. Just watch a young boy attack that white cream filling. Yeah it's so freudian I could cry.

I could but I am off to tell my husband Oreos made me gay

Did someone in here loose a grandma ?

Yeah there is a sentence you never thought you woudl hear at work.

Thursday morning I found out hubby wasn't working what I thought he was so in order to share a car I would have to drive to 30 mins and then home to take him in. 40 mins there and back for me to work, and then another 30 mins and home to get him at the end of his day. Like my days are not full enough.

So I called my gram. She doesn't drive but she does have a car.

She said no problem but asked if she could come with me so she could go out for a birthday dinner. FRAK! I forgot Grams Bday. I am the worst grand daughter ever.

:"are you sure gram I have to work for 2 hours"

"yeah I want to have a nice dinner, and coffee, and dessert"

"yeah but two  hours is a long time"

there was no talking her out of it. one thing about grandma is that she is stubborn. So i walk down to her place before work and her and I take off to the town where I work. I get to town 15 mins early and ask where she wants to eat.

"Gram that restaurant is in the town where hubby works"

"oh"

Condition red! Condition RED!

 I have to work. I can't leave a room full of grade-schoolers unattended! shit shit shit, what am I gonna do now?

Grandma to the rescue "well there is a restaurant right down the street that I used to really like"

Um yeah turns out there USED to be a restaurant there, probably 40 years ago!

FRAK I am gonna be late. so we keep driving looking for a restaurant and she spots a sign for Pauls. She has had their fish and Chips in the past so she wants to go there. Of course there is a problem with this plan and I tried real hard to explain it to her.

"um. that's  a bar"

"I don't care I like their food"

"yeah but gram, you can't spend the next TWO HOURS at a bar. What are you going to do there?"

apparently she was going to do whatever she damn well pleased because she was a grown ass woman  and if she wanted to go to a bar for her 77th Birthday she was gonna damn well go to the bar.

I know a lost cause when I see one so I watched gram make her way up the back steps, to the lounge, holding the railing tightly and supporting herself with her cane.  Now not only have I forgotten my grand mothers bday but I am leaving her at  bar for two hours. This made me OFFICIALLY the worst gran daughter ever. I was never going to top this.

I held onto that delusion for an hour.

I went to work (I teach an after school science program) and made it through an uneventful hour with my Kindergarten to grade 2 students. There is a bad flu going around so we have only five kids. My boss and I share that class so I was filling her in on grandma drama while the kids were doing their weeks experiment. At the end of the class all the moms filed in to collect their kids and one came up to us

"Did one of you loose a grandma?"

Oh no, could the floor just swallow me up now? please. Shit I am stil standing here. I am gonna have to answer her. 

"What happened?"

"I found her wandering around. She is in my car"

"what?"

"Yeah she said she was going to the high school"

Oh sweet merciful Zeus. I don't work at the high school gram. If she had taken you there I would have never found you. I am never taking that woman out in public again!!

"Where did you find her?"

Turns out she was heading in the wrong direction to get to either my school OR the high school.

So I went and got her and brought her into my classroom. My boss at this time is laughing nearly uncontrollably. She made it 15 mins through the grade 3-5 program before she informed me she was going to the car. Not taking any chances this time I had my boss watch the class while I took her to her car where she said she was staying until I was done.

So I finish up my day, get all the kids to their respective parents, and head to the parking lot where I find gram sleeping in the passenger seat. I climb in the drivers seat and nearly get punched in the face.

"What was that for?"

"You scared me! I didn't know who you were!"

"What do you care? you get in cars with strangers!!! What the hell by the way. How did you even end up in this woman's car?"

"She pulled over and asked if I was lost"

"Oh my God Gram. Do you realize there were only 4 vehicles in this whole town headed to my class room. What if some weirdo had picked you up? What if a nice person had taken you to the high school? HOW WOULD I HAVE FOUND YOU?!"

"I guess you wouldn't have"

"yeah thanks! That makes it better"

Seriously I am NEVER taking this woman out of town again. OMG I lost my grandma. I have a parent who is entrusting her child's care to me show up with the elderly birthday girl I misplaced.

What do I care?

I have very strong opinions about a lot of things that do not directly affect me and I constantly get asked "why do I care"

I am not Gay. Why and I so damn adamant about equal rights for the LGBT community?
I am not in high school and  neither are my kids. What do I care about bullying?
I am not black. what do I care about discrimination?
I am religious. What do I care about keeping prayer out of school?
I am not American. What do I care about the erosion of their rights?

This list could get very long. But the answer is the same for everything. I care because if I don't it makes me the problem. If I don't stand up for those who have no voice it is the SAME as actively harming them.If I am not part of the solution than I am the problem.

It is easy to live in our own little bubble. To ignore the injustices that do not directly affect us. If we do though we are the worst kind of person. If you walk past a homeless man being harassed and ignore it then you are just as evil and vile as the people harassing him.

If you hear a woman in distress but ignore it then you are as guilty of her rape as the rapist.

Yes I know my life view seems narrow but it comes down to this. I have seen too many people suffer when others had the power to end it. You have the power, if you choose not to use it I can only assume it is because you are a vile human being who does not care.

Set the bar low.

Trust me on this the WORST thing you can do in the early stages of a relationship is be on your BEST behavior. I mean what if it turns into a long term relationship? At some point you are going to have to shatter the illusion and fart in front of them.

If you are just hanging out and watching movies feel free to do so in your sweats. If you were by yourself would you squeeze your ass into you skinny jeans and do your makeup? HELL NO!

Yet when we start dating someone we try so damn hard for the illusion of perfection. No wonder so many marriages and long term relationships fail. You can't keep that shit up forever and stay happy.

If you start dating in the winter there is no need to shave your legs.No reason to run to the bathroom to burp. Feel free to order enough food to ACTUALLY fill yourself and laugh till you snort if the movie is funny enough to warrant it. 

It will cut out a lot of medium length relationships.

Guess how much I care about your religion or lack thereof ...

Atheist who call all religious people dumb, sheep, deluded, etc, I had your fuck in my back pocket but turns out that pocket had a hole.  OOPS

Religious people who tell me I am going to hell, Look up in the sky. See that fuck flying in the east. It was set aside for you but ... I'm not gonna give it to ya. 

People who bang on my door, NO FUCKS FOR YOU

People who try to make religion law, Ok because I don't want to live under the Taliban, I have to give a fuck ... but it will be with a splintery broom!

Really people. I am so sick of hearing about how YOUR way is the RIGHT way.
 I DON"T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!

Seriously now though
Christians who judge me and tell me I am going to hell. Really now? Is THAT was Jesus would have done?

Atheist who judge and call me names for believing is a higher power. Wasn't it you bitching last week about how you hate being judged on that ONE aspect of who you are. Yeah I hate that shit too, so stop with the juvenile name calling.

And yes I am ok with being an Infidel. I have no issue with you wanting to practice Islam as long as you leave me alone about not wanting to.

So in conclusion. Being a Muslim, Pagan, Atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist WHATEVER
is not the problem. The problem is that some people are dicks and dicks can be found in every social subset. Stop making sweeping gerealizations, stop being a dick, and
 FOR FUCK SAKES STOP TELLING ME WHY YOUR WAY IS BETTER THAN MINE 

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, BUT IF YOU TRY TO FORCE ME TO, THE FUCK YOU ARE LIKELY TO GET, WILL BE MADE OUT OF METAL AND BE FULL OF RUSTY SPLINTERS!!!!