Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Real women have a Vagina

Yes for the purpose of a snappy title for  this post I am leaving out transgender individuals.

This rant is brought to you courtesy of the phrase

"real women have curves"


Real women have VAGINAS other than that we don't have any criteria that every damn one of us promises to fit.

I have no curves!! I have a body that could photoshop the face of a 12 year old boy onto and you would not get any immediate double takes.


Mannequins do not look like the average average woman but they do look like  a REAL WOMAN. I hate hearing people say shit like "No real woman ever looks like that" Yeah some of us fucking well do.

You know what women come in all different sizes and as long as you are healthy ... whateves.

What I am sick to death of is hearing thin being described as a negative. I am what I am.

If I looked at a picture of an over weight woman and said she looked "gross"or "unrealistic" I would be accused of fat bashing but when the same is said of a model people pat each other on the back for being so wise and superior that they see though what corporate media is trying to do.

What they don't realize is that not everyone on the other side of the computer screen reading their comments looks like them.

I had 2 kids before I moved to the middle of the healthy weight spectrum. I spent years hearing other women call celebs who  had my body type all kinds of names.

I am a real woman, I have no curves, I can't help that.

How about we respect ALL body types. I see on Facebook and Google+ pages dedicated to overweight individuals. They have titles like "curvy and sexy". God knows what kind of flack I would get if I started a page called "Skinny even though I eat real food"

Now I get that thin is the societal image of ideal and that over weight girls put up with shit that I don't have to. I get that. I think it is wrong and unfair. I think that we need to work on projecting health over appearance.

Overweight young girls need to know they are still beautiful, we don't do this though by telling thin young women that they are gross. You should never step on one person in an attempt to lift another

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Seriously just shut up already

Sometimes shit happens. When it does we often turn to friends an family for comfort. Sadly this is often a mistake.

So here is how this post works in Green is things people have said to me in Red is what I hear and/or think

Ready? Lets go.

When our house caught fire

Whenever a door closes a window opens
My Fucking window is warped shut from the heat of a fire. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you. I worked from home. I am now homeless and unemployed. Don't talk to me about mother fucking windows. K?

Is everyone ok?

Do you really think I would be so upset about my Harry Potter books if my Husband or child had been trapped in that fire? What type of soulless bitch do you think I am. ... wait don't answer that. Don't get me wrong I am glad you worried about my families welfare but seriously???????

When our second son was born 4 months early

God never gives you more than you can handle 

What about all those people who get so overwhelmed they commit suicide? Did God misjudge there? 
Fuck that 

When the same child passed away at 10 weeks (FTR I have heard most of these at almost every funeral I have ever been to)

It was for the best

Best for who? You know what, just shut up. You are too stupid to be allowed to speak unattended. It  certainly wasn't the best for me

He is in a better place 

......... (prove it!) 

It was God's will 

Seriously you just keep your meddling God right out of my life. I don't want no part of whatever God you deal with that tries to push me to just before my breaking point and then gets to decide how everything ends and call my suffering "the best" 

This is just a quick sample but there is a moral here. When someone comes to you (or you stumble upon them) and they are upset think twice before offering up any cliches.

I would rather hear a friend sincerely tell me "Man that sucks donkey balls" than hand me an empty platitude.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Some things you should NOT do as a couple

The couple who plays together stays together.

The couple who quits smoking together ... well bad shit happens.

I decided a back at the beginning of Feb that I was going to quit smoking on St Patrick's Day. We were partying on Saturday night so quitting on Sunday seemed like a good idea. As the date got closer the idea of quitting smoking for a third and hopefully final time loomed large in my mind. Then came the bombshell. About a week before my quit date appeared in my life Hubby announced he was quitting with me.

Sweet merciful Odin save me. Looks like I will be getting a divorce for Easter.  You would think that not watching hubby smoke would make life easier. There is no Cigarettes in the house and therefor no temptation.

Yeah you would think so.

Let me tell you. If there was a cigarette to be found in this house I would go find it, shove it in Hubby's mouth and light it. I don't say this to be a bad support system or because I want him to fail. I simply say it because I am not quite ready to go to prison yet.

I am a seether by nature. When things piss me off I seethe about it. Sometimes I snap but usually only when I am trying to seethe about too many things at once.

Hubby is a bitcher and a yeller.

So picture this. I am in the kitchen washing dishes. Seething because no one is helping me. Pissed off because I have to stop and let the dog out. Just finished eating and want a cigarette so bad I would stab the Dali Lama for one. When sudden;y Hubby yells at one of the kids. Worse he yells at the kids for ... the same shit he does!

Oh Yeah. So I am trying to quickly weigh my options. Ignore it does  not seem like a good idea because kid needs to know that he didn't really do anything that deserved being yelled at like that. Say something to Hubby, also seems like a bad idea because that will dissolve into a withdrawal fueled screaming match.

I got it. I'm gonna sneak up behind him with a piece of piano wire and murder him. Wait now I am back to my prison dilemma ....

Ok I will just drink some more Coke and see if I can find any cookies.

So moral of the story. If your spouse ever offers to quit smoking with you for moral support just murder them immediately and save yourself the suspense