11 cents an hour! That's what I'm worth.

Yep that is what I learned last week I apparently value my time at ALMOST 11 cents an hour!

The people making Ipods in Chinese sweat shops get paid more than that.

See my toddler lost my keys last week. I spent three frantic days searching for them. Three days of my life I will never get back. Three days of sifting through kitty litter, emptying garbage cans and putting my hand up a cows butt. Ok so the cow in question was a puppet but the rest of it was still nasty.  I needed to find the keys because when I googled it I was told it would cost $200 plus to put in a new ignition.

OMG I can't afford that. Well I could but it wouldn't be easy! So instead of forking out the dough I stayed  housebound and rechecked all the places I had already looked. NOTHING, NADA, the keys had found my homes extra dimensional portal and went off to visit all the left socks and gloves.

As a last ditch effort my dad called the dealership and they said they could cut new keys from the VIN number on my registration.

Hallelujah ..  praise the lord .. I am saved. 

He went to the dealership for me (since I couldn't drive my car)  and returned with a shiny new key. For 48 dollars I avoided a new ignition. When  went to give him the money he laughed and told me "Just kidding it was $8.42"

Eight dollars and forty two cents. For a savings of not even nine dollars I gave up three days of my life. Are you fucking kidding me? That makes the value of my time less than 11 cents an hour! I ran the math.

Sorry I was ... or will be

Dear Parents, Teachers, and everyone else who had to deal with me.

     I am sorry.

     I am sorry that I was a teenager.
 That I was stupid, selfish and self centered. 
I am sorry that I was smart enough to make a plan, but too GOD DAMN STUPID, to make a good one.
I am sorry I ever tried to make a point using concepts I obviously didn't grasp.
 I am sorry that I underestimated you at every turn at treated you as if your parents were first cousins and you had glaringly obvious mental defects.
 Mostly though I am sorry the law prevented you from taking me out behind the barn and beating the stupid out of me. It probably wouldn't have worked but I bet you would have felt better.


Dear society

     I am sorry

 I am sorry that I was a toddler.
 I am sorry that I walked slowly and erratically down the grocery aisles making it impossible for you to pass me.
 I am sorry that I thought the word poop was the height of comedy.
I am sorry that I realized  banshee scream was a super power and tried it out on everyone I passed.
 I am sorry I randomly barked at people in parking lots making them uncomfortable.
 I am sorry that although leashes may have caught on muzzles were and are illegal for small children.


Dear Children.

I am sorry

I am sorry that I am gonna get old.
 I am sorry that I am not going to realize my own limitation.
 I am sorry that you are going to loose sleep wondering if I remembered to take my meds.
I am sorry I am going to be fiercely independent even after it would be safer for me to utilize assisted living.
 I am sorry I am going to hold on to my license like it is a lifeline long after my driving has become a threat to society.
I am sorry I will call you three times to tell you something important only to forget what it was each and every time.
 I  will NOT be sorry if you have to change my diapers though. You have that one coming