Thursday, December 26, 2013

Christmas with no commercials

I have seen a lot of post on social media from friends who live away complaining about the commercialization of Christmas. About kids who were not grateful, about burnt turkeys.

Locally I have seen ZERO complaints. And we are heading into day four of a power outage for many people. Some will not get their power back until after the new year.

What I have seen is businesses opening on Christmas day and employees volunteering to work to provide the best Christmas they can for those who are struggling.

Restaurants opening up and offering free turkey dinners to those without power. Hotels offering free showers and a place to charge electronics. People loaning out or giving away spare generators. Friends and family spending the holidays in the house with power or wood heat.

For Christmas dinner yesterday we had hamburger helper, cooked in an electric frying pan powered by a generator. No complaining, not even from the kids. A lot of electronics that could not be played with were opened in many houses, with no complaining.

So for every post about people not having Christmas spirit or the holiday being too commercial, I say people have no one to blame but themselves.

Christmas happened in our town. It happened in many others. It happened because friends, family, and strangers MADE it happen.

People sacrificed in both large and small ways to make it the best possible for as many people as possible.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

There are 2 kinds of sexy

I am going to use the boys from Supernatural for an example. If you haven't watched the show it is ok. Watching it is not necessary to understand this post. Oh and .... spoilers probably

Ok so on the left is Sam and on the right is Dean. Keep in mind that everything I say about their character from here on in is about SAM AND DEAN not the actors who portray them.

A week or 2 ago I was playing around on G+ and my husband was watching Supernatural on Netflix. during a lull in online conversation I turned to the tv. My husband and I have been together 13 years so he is pretty good (usually) at reading my face. Apparently he had seen my Hubba hubba  face.

He made a crack about me watching the show  now that I ha seen a hot guy. I will admit to being a bit shallow and that he was right. Eye candy gave the show an edge over G+. What he was wrong about though was who I thought the hot one was, at least at that point in time.

See he was referring to Dean and my eyes were glued to Sam.

Sam (for me) was the kind of sexy most of us want to be. What that sexy looks like is different for different people but it does the same thing to all of us.

Sam was the kind of sexy that grabbed my inner Neanderthal  by the uterus and screamed procreate. It was a visceral reaction.  He had physical traits that I gravitate to.

 Dean was moderately attractive possibly even average in my mind standing there next to Sam.
A few days (and goodness knows how may episodes later) everything had changed. Physically the boys still looked the same but Sam just wasn't doing it for me at all anymore.

Tall, broad shoulders,very square face, long legged.

Allow me to illustrate .... repeatedly

Yet even with all of THAT in his  favor had I been stuck in a room with that character in real life I would have kicked him behind the balls.

He is SUCH a whiny bitch so much of the time. Yes your mom died, and your GF. Your dad was preoccupied an not very good at nurturing. You didn't get the life you wanted. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD.

He is so damn angry all the time and when he is not angry he mopes.

So as the show progressed I found Dean significantly more attractive although I am still willing to concede Sam is a fine physical specimen.

Why is Dean the more attractive one to me now. His Character. He is not good at taking shit from people. I mean really does this LOOK like the face of someone you want to fuck with?

 And he actually has a sense of humor. In fact he has my favorite kind of humor ... inappropriate
 He is driven and determined to get his own way

So while Dean is an uberdouche an not physically as good looking as Sam at the end of the day his character is the more attractive of the 2.

And guess what there are women out there who feel the exact opposite. who are attracted to different physical and mental traits than I am. In fact I have heard a friend describe guys as "too tall" words that have never crossed my lips.

I did find Sam attractive again once he lost his soul. He very much became a single minded machine

and now I will end with gratuitous eye candy that serves no purpose

Sunday, May 26, 2013

I'm hunting Elephants DUH!

I was reading a book on my lunch break when a co worker sits down next to me and says "Whatca doing?"
So I set my book down and told her "I'm hunting elephants"

Ask a stupid question right?

What about me sitting there reading invites people to try and strike up inane conversation? 
what are you doing? (hunting elephants)
what are you reading (I will hold it up and show the spine) 
Is it any good ( obviously or I would not be reading it) 
have you read anything by ___ (probably) 

When you see a person with a book the POLITE thing to do is ignore them.  I was there first, alone, and reading. Not my fault you chose to look for conversation in all the wrong places. 

I read to ESCAPE the mundanity of daily life. I only have a 15 minute break to travel to the world of make believe. Keep your damn reality away from me before I beat your ass with a hardcover 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Facebook and fake ass bitches

So just in case any of my FB friends ever Google my name and stumble across this blog let me just preface my post with this

Seriously if your feelings are that easily hurt you should probably just drop your internet connection

I am sure it happens on all social networks bu I notice it mostly on FB, probably because I know people IRL and can call them on their fakeness.

Lats start with parenting.  I thought I was the only one who got pissed off at people pretending to be perfect parents. Turns out I am wrong. Nearly half of moms admit to be stressed out by their inability to keep up with the parenting perfection they see displayed on FB, instagram and pintrest. Seriously I don't make this shit up.

I don't get it. I figure moms who have all their shit together are either lying or heavily medicated.

I see so much parenting fakeness.

Please don't post about how you did crafts with your kids and cooked an elaborate dinner and cookies from scratch. That doesn't change the fact that you were snorting lines of percocet the night before.

Don't post about how family is so important to you and you would not change a thing about your life if you could. Do you really expect me to believe that given the choice you would continue on unable to identify your baby daddy? THAT is your ideal?

Oh and seriously don't post about how your kids are the most important thing in the world to you when you abandoned them for a sex partner. More than once. Fuck that noise.

If all you ever post is a sales pitch trying to convince me your life is perfect I suggest you invest the time in therapy instead trying to figure out why you are so invested in convinces the internet you are something special.

So yeah fake ass bitches who play super mom ..... seriously if you never want to strangle your kids once in a while you obviously don't spend enough time with them.

And then there are people in perfect relationships.

yeah seriously I don't care who loves who more! get it off my home page and go wash his dirty underwear for a few years and then come back to me.

Seriously you are NOT that in love. I watched your last 3 breakups and reconciliations on FB. And that was just this week.

And don't even get me started on 14 year olds talking about forever. Trust me dude, someday she will just be someone your current GF is jealous about.

While I am on the subject don't post your breakups online. Seriously if you are on FB calling him names and airing your dirty laundry I am going to guess you are MORE than half the problem.

Oh  yes love is in the air. You know what else in in the air unsolicited advice.

Nothing makes my day quicker than a cliche printed in comic sans across an unattributed picture. Except sarcasm. I do love me some sarcasm.

Seriously do you even READ what you post? Take your own advice. Don't post about serenity when you are the single biggest drama creator I have ever met.

I have noticed most people are better at posting advice than taking their own. Here is a novel idea get your own shit together before you start trying to fix mine.

Facebook is not the place to try and convince people you have your shit together. Save that for a website with some anonymity. Most people on FB know you in real life, no one is buying the shit you peddle

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Real women have a Vagina

Yes for the purpose of a snappy title for  this post I am leaving out transgender individuals.

This rant is brought to you courtesy of the phrase

"real women have curves"


Real women have VAGINAS other than that we don't have any criteria that every damn one of us promises to fit.

I have no curves!! I have a body that could photoshop the face of a 12 year old boy onto and you would not get any immediate double takes.


Mannequins do not look like the average average woman but they do look like  a REAL WOMAN. I hate hearing people say shit like "No real woman ever looks like that" Yeah some of us fucking well do.

You know what women come in all different sizes and as long as you are healthy ... whateves.

What I am sick to death of is hearing thin being described as a negative. I am what I am.

If I looked at a picture of an over weight woman and said she looked "gross"or "unrealistic" I would be accused of fat bashing but when the same is said of a model people pat each other on the back for being so wise and superior that they see though what corporate media is trying to do.

What they don't realize is that not everyone on the other side of the computer screen reading their comments looks like them.

I had 2 kids before I moved to the middle of the healthy weight spectrum. I spent years hearing other women call celebs who  had my body type all kinds of names.

I am a real woman, I have no curves, I can't help that.

How about we respect ALL body types. I see on Facebook and Google+ pages dedicated to overweight individuals. They have titles like "curvy and sexy". God knows what kind of flack I would get if I started a page called "Skinny even though I eat real food"

Now I get that thin is the societal image of ideal and that over weight girls put up with shit that I don't have to. I get that. I think it is wrong and unfair. I think that we need to work on projecting health over appearance.

Overweight young girls need to know they are still beautiful, we don't do this though by telling thin young women that they are gross. You should never step on one person in an attempt to lift another

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Seriously just shut up already

Sometimes shit happens. When it does we often turn to friends an family for comfort. Sadly this is often a mistake.

So here is how this post works in Green is things people have said to me in Red is what I hear and/or think

Ready? Lets go.

When our house caught fire

Whenever a door closes a window opens
My Fucking window is warped shut from the heat of a fire. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you. I worked from home. I am now homeless and unemployed. Don't talk to me about mother fucking windows. K?

Is everyone ok?

Do you really think I would be so upset about my Harry Potter books if my Husband or child had been trapped in that fire? What type of soulless bitch do you think I am. ... wait don't answer that. Don't get me wrong I am glad you worried about my families welfare but seriously???????

When our second son was born 4 months early

God never gives you more than you can handle 

What about all those people who get so overwhelmed they commit suicide? Did God misjudge there? 
Fuck that 

When the same child passed away at 10 weeks (FTR I have heard most of these at almost every funeral I have ever been to)

It was for the best

Best for who? You know what, just shut up. You are too stupid to be allowed to speak unattended. It  certainly wasn't the best for me

He is in a better place 

......... (prove it!) 

It was God's will 

Seriously you just keep your meddling God right out of my life. I don't want no part of whatever God you deal with that tries to push me to just before my breaking point and then gets to decide how everything ends and call my suffering "the best" 

This is just a quick sample but there is a moral here. When someone comes to you (or you stumble upon them) and they are upset think twice before offering up any cliches.

I would rather hear a friend sincerely tell me "Man that sucks donkey balls" than hand me an empty platitude.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Some things you should NOT do as a couple

The couple who plays together stays together.

The couple who quits smoking together ... well bad shit happens.

I decided a back at the beginning of Feb that I was going to quit smoking on St Patrick's Day. We were partying on Saturday night so quitting on Sunday seemed like a good idea. As the date got closer the idea of quitting smoking for a third and hopefully final time loomed large in my mind. Then came the bombshell. About a week before my quit date appeared in my life Hubby announced he was quitting with me.

Sweet merciful Odin save me. Looks like I will be getting a divorce for Easter.  You would think that not watching hubby smoke would make life easier. There is no Cigarettes in the house and therefor no temptation.

Yeah you would think so.

Let me tell you. If there was a cigarette to be found in this house I would go find it, shove it in Hubby's mouth and light it. I don't say this to be a bad support system or because I want him to fail. I simply say it because I am not quite ready to go to prison yet.

I am a seether by nature. When things piss me off I seethe about it. Sometimes I snap but usually only when I am trying to seethe about too many things at once.

Hubby is a bitcher and a yeller.

So picture this. I am in the kitchen washing dishes. Seething because no one is helping me. Pissed off because I have to stop and let the dog out. Just finished eating and want a cigarette so bad I would stab the Dali Lama for one. When sudden;y Hubby yells at one of the kids. Worse he yells at the kids for ... the same shit he does!

Oh Yeah. So I am trying to quickly weigh my options. Ignore it does  not seem like a good idea because kid needs to know that he didn't really do anything that deserved being yelled at like that. Say something to Hubby, also seems like a bad idea because that will dissolve into a withdrawal fueled screaming match.

I got it. I'm gonna sneak up behind him with a piece of piano wire and murder him. Wait now I am back to my prison dilemma ....

Ok I will just drink some more Coke and see if I can find any cookies.

So moral of the story. If your spouse ever offers to quit smoking with you for moral support just murder them immediately and save yourself the suspense