Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sorry I was ... or will be

Dear Parents, Teachers, and everyone else who had to deal with me.

     I am sorry.

     I am sorry that I was a teenager.
 That I was stupid, selfish and self centered. 
I am sorry that I was smart enough to make a plan, but too GOD DAMN STUPID, to make a good one.
I am sorry I ever tried to make a point using concepts I obviously didn't grasp.
 I am sorry that I underestimated you at every turn at treated you as if your parents were first cousins and you had glaringly obvious mental defects.
 Mostly though I am sorry the law prevented you from taking me out behind the barn and beating the stupid out of me. It probably wouldn't have worked but I bet you would have felt better.


Dear society

     I am sorry

 I am sorry that I was a toddler.
 I am sorry that I walked slowly and erratically down the grocery aisles making it impossible for you to pass me.
 I am sorry that I thought the word poop was the height of comedy.
I am sorry that I realized  banshee scream was a super power and tried it out on everyone I passed.
 I am sorry I randomly barked at people in parking lots making them uncomfortable.
 I am sorry that although leashes may have caught on muzzles were and are illegal for small children.


Dear Children.

I am sorry

I am sorry that I am gonna get old.
 I am sorry that I am not going to realize my own limitation.
 I am sorry that you are going to loose sleep wondering if I remembered to take my meds.
I am sorry I am going to be fiercely independent even after it would be safer for me to utilize assisted living.
 I am sorry I am going to hold on to my license like it is a lifeline long after my driving has become a threat to society.
I am sorry I will call you three times to tell you something important only to forget what it was each and every time.
 I  will NOT be sorry if you have to change my diapers though. You have that one coming