Seriously just shut up already

Sometimes shit happens. When it does we often turn to friends an family for comfort. Sadly this is often a mistake.

So here is how this post works in Green is things people have said to me in Red is what I hear and/or think

Ready? Lets go.

When our house caught fire

Whenever a door closes a window opens
My Fucking window is warped shut from the heat of a fire. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you. I worked from home. I am now homeless and unemployed. Don't talk to me about mother fucking windows. K?

Is everyone ok?

Do you really think I would be so upset about my Harry Potter books if my Husband or child had been trapped in that fire? What type of soulless bitch do you think I am. ... wait don't answer that. Don't get me wrong I am glad you worried about my families welfare but seriously???????

When our second son was born 4 months early

God never gives you more than you can handle 

What about all those people who get so overwhelmed they commit suicide? Did God misjudge there? 
Fuck that 

When the same child passed away at 10 weeks (FTR I have heard most of these at almost every funeral I have ever been to)

It was for the best

Best for who? You know what, just shut up. You are too stupid to be allowed to speak unattended. It  certainly wasn't the best for me

He is in a better place 

......... (prove it!) 

It was God's will 

Seriously you just keep your meddling God right out of my life. I don't want no part of whatever God you deal with that tries to push me to just before my breaking point and then gets to decide how everything ends and call my suffering "the best" 

This is just a quick sample but there is a moral here. When someone comes to you (or you stumble upon them) and they are upset think twice before offering up any cliches.

I would rather hear a friend sincerely tell me "Man that sucks donkey balls" than hand me an empty platitude.

Some things you should NOT do as a couple

The couple who plays together stays together.

The couple who quits smoking together ... well bad shit happens.

I decided a back at the beginning of Feb that I was going to quit smoking on St Patrick's Day. We were partying on Saturday night so quitting on Sunday seemed like a good idea. As the date got closer the idea of quitting smoking for a third and hopefully final time loomed large in my mind. Then came the bombshell. About a week before my quit date appeared in my life Hubby announced he was quitting with me.

Sweet merciful Odin save me. Looks like I will be getting a divorce for Easter.  You would think that not watching hubby smoke would make life easier. There is no Cigarettes in the house and therefor no temptation.

Yeah you would think so.

Let me tell you. If there was a cigarette to be found in this house I would go find it, shove it in Hubby's mouth and light it. I don't say this to be a bad support system or because I want him to fail. I simply say it because I am not quite ready to go to prison yet.

I am a seether by nature. When things piss me off I seethe about it. Sometimes I snap but usually only when I am trying to seethe about too many things at once.

Hubby is a bitcher and a yeller.

So picture this. I am in the kitchen washing dishes. Seething because no one is helping me. Pissed off because I have to stop and let the dog out. Just finished eating and want a cigarette so bad I would stab the Dali Lama for one. When sudden;y Hubby yells at one of the kids. Worse he yells at the kids for ... the same shit he does!

Oh Yeah. So I am trying to quickly weigh my options. Ignore it does  not seem like a good idea because kid needs to know that he didn't really do anything that deserved being yelled at like that. Say something to Hubby, also seems like a bad idea because that will dissolve into a withdrawal fueled screaming match.

I got it. I'm gonna sneak up behind him with a piece of piano wire and murder him. Wait now I am back to my prison dilemma ....

Ok I will just drink some more Coke and see if I can find any cookies.

So moral of the story. If your spouse ever offers to quit smoking with you for moral support just murder them immediately and save yourself the suspense

The War on Christmas

I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of having store clerks, tech support, and random people I meet on the street wish me "Happy Holidays". I mean really the nerve of these people wishing me happiness and joy. Who the hell do they think they are?

Oh wait, that sounds really stupid when you say it out loud.

Every God damn year I hear people bitch about how they are being oppressed because someone said happy holidays. Seriously? That's your version of oppression? You need to get out more. Maybe some time in Palestine or a country under Taliban rule will teach you what that word actually means.

Feel free to say Merry Christmas in return, or better yet be happy that they are saying something polite rather than "get your selfrighteous ass out of my way bitch"

Every year on the news and online it is the same ol rant about the war on Christmas. How others are forcing Christ out of CHRISTmas. Really is there a secret Jesus Gestapo that I am unaware of that is breaking into homes and steal Christ right out of peoples nativity scenes? Are there blockades outside of churches stopping people from worshipping on Christmas eve?

And my all time favorite rant is when a store advertises holiday trees for sale and people get up in arms because they don't call it but the proper name of 'Christmas tree'. Really? Proper name? hmmmm, seems to me they had a different name before Christianity started subverting pagan traditions in the name of converting. 

Yeah proper name my ass.

There is no war. Christmas is a paid frakin holiday. How much more government endorsement can it get? As long as you are allowed to celebrate on private property as you see fit stop your bellyaching.

If there ever IS a war on Christmas or Christianity it will be because of asshats like you who play the victim all the time usually while trying to actively oppress others and/or cram your beliefs down their throats

Dont confuse Crazy with Stupid

Einstein said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

That seems kind of insulting to insane people. In fact it sounds more like stupidity to me. Actually it is the common love child of stupidity and laziness.

Once upon a time I used to just hear my friends and family bitch and whine. Thanks to the advent of social networking now I get to hear EVERYONE whine.

My teachers hate me
My boyfriend keeps banging sluts
my job sucks
my kids don't listen
No one but me does housework


I could fill this whole blog post with examples but  there is no need. if you are intelligent enough to have mastered literacy you can probably think of a hundred examples all on your own. As if anyone cares.

Now there are times the universe truly screw you and I am all sympathy then. You got Parkinsons ... man that sucks. How can I help.  Your kid has a brain tumor, I'm here for ya. House burnt down, I have an extra room. Your Boyfriend is out banging sluts AGAIN while you are home with the kids. Nah that's your OWN stupid fault for putting up with his shit.

See people like to bitch and moan about how hard life is but rarely want to DO anything about it.Yeah change is a lot of work but nothing in life is free.

Are you really stupid enough to think if you just wait like a good little girl (or boy) that everything will change and come up roses.
Wishing upon a star never made a woman less of a victim. I tire Iron can but not a wish. 
Waiting for your good Karma to kick in so you can get a better job? Yes I would like fries with that.

If you want a better job then DO SOMETHING to earn one. 
If you want more money DO SOMETHING to earn it.
If you want to be treated with respect DO SOMETHING to earn it
If you want your kids to behave DO SOMETHING about it

For fuck sakes people this is not a hard concept. Is this where participation medals and 'everyone is special' philosophies have landed us?

In the era of the Internet! Finding a solution has never been easier. You don't even have to leave your home.

Stop asking when things will start looking up for you, and start climbing! 

Oh Canada

It's Canada day weekend

So here is a crash course on why Canada is awesome. And for the 5 Canadians who read this blog you just get a free ego strokin ;)

Now Canadians in general are not a braggy bunch. In fact it took BEER commercials back in the 90's to really get us started on flag waving 

So we developed some national pride. And a few more awesome commercials swelled our heads some more. 

That's right. Catch us on a bad day and we will kick your ass hockey style. Generally though Canada is pretty good natured.

We are a trilingual country. Our official languages are English, French, and Satire.Check out some Royal Canadian Air Farce, or This Hour has 22 Minutes sometime. If Swift had the choice he woudl have been Canadian I am sure.

We are a country that actually believes in equality. We are where the slaves ran to. Where the Loyalist took off to. Where Gay doctors and other professionals are headed because they never have to worry about the next election rendering their marriage invalid. It was us that took in the young men who didn't want to die in Vietnam and gave them safe harbor.

We believe that  no child should die because  mom and dad can't afford a doctor.  

So some say we talk funny 

Well maybe we do.  Have you ever heard someone from Newfoundland  speak?Understanding someone from the bay is an art form. Great people though. I spent a decade living in Newfoundland. It was great because I LOVE to talk. I love talking so much I talk to myself on here. Anyways Newfies are friendly but they all tell stories like Bill Cosby. This bit by Shaun is so spot on I nearly pissed myself laughing 

And when someone from Prince Edward Island wants to start a fight you will damn well know it

Ok so I am picking on the Maritimes here but only because because that is where I live.

But all of Canada is awesome. Our National Anthem is kind of lame but Classified classed it up a few years back. 

Seriously I hope you listened and didn't just skip that song. It is awesome

We have the best Animal mascots in the world. A BEAVER. That's right, we love beaver up here in Canada. We also have a moose. Yummy yummy moose. 

We have awesome food 

Kraft Dinner 

Poutine

Fish and Brewis (ok so that one is nasty but lots of peoepl like it)

we invented Instant potatoes.

You know what else came from Canada 

Basketball, 

Insulin

The Telephone

Nanimo Bars 

Walkie Talikes (think how lame your childhood woudl have been without Canada) 

Snowmobiles

SnowBlowers

Gas MAsk

Sonar

Lacrosse

Ice Hockey 

Trivial Pursuit 

The electron Microscope 

pacemakers

and (your welcome) THE WONDERBRA 

Oh yeah. We made a lot more than that but you know, like I said earlier we aren't real braggy

So now that you want to be canadian I will give you some tips. 

It is Kraft dinner NOT Kraft brans macaroni and cheese. 

It is cheese whiz not cheese spread (no matter the brand. You can buy no name cheese whiz and Kraft dinner up here)

You must prefer Tim Horton's over Starbucks.

If you hate hockey you still have a favorite team

We have a Primeminster

Our politics are confusing to those who didn't grow up here so this is Rick Mercer explaining how shit works in Canada 

And remeber the most impotrant thing about about being Canadian 

SNOWBALL FIGHTS

This is why your money doesn't make you happy!

Surely I am not the only one who has occasionally killed a few brain cells watching MTV Cribs.

These peoepl have MILLIONS of dollars and they WASTE them. With the exception of Motorcyles and Hummers they spend their money ALL wrong.

Walk in shoe closets are nice

But Walk in shoe clostets that conceal the entrance to your underground lair are epic.



Double curving stairs are awesome.

 Double indoor slides that land in a ball pit is genius though

And a crib shaped like a boat. Really you're a freaking millionaire and THAT is the best you can come up with?

I would have a water slide from my room to a pool.



Where are the trampoline floors? The monkey bars down the hallway? The tree fort with a water canon? The Delorian???  How do you have a bijillion dollars but no time machine (pretend or real)



THIS is why all the millionaire whiners say money can't buy happiness. Because they spend their money the way interior designers say they should instead of listening to their inner ten year old.

Oreos made me gay

Some people say boycotting Oreo over their support of  equality for LBGT  is a useless guesture but I disagree. We need to save our kids from the insidious message eating Oeros sends them.

I saw this picture of an oreo and immediately became a lesbian. Me a 29 year old woman who has been with her husband for over a decade and had three kids with him insta lesbo.  If *I* can fall prey to them what hope do innocent children have.

This is not the first time oreo has set out to pervert our youth. Oh sure it SEEMS like an innocent after school snack but where do you think kids originally got the idea that it was ok for Blacks and Whites to touch? You think they came up with that shit on their own?

No they didn't. Oreo planted that seed in their brain. If colors can touch each other at the supper table what is eh big deal if they do it in private????

Never one to be content with  the ruination of an entire generation Oreo is after our kids again. Telling them that it is ok to be gay. Encouraging their gaynes. They release "super gay" cookies that are bright and colorful and have kids screaming to consume their subliminal queerness.

What kid could so no to those gay cookies?

Even the regular color oreo is subliminally gay. Just watch a young boy attack that white cream filling. Yeah it's so freudian I could cry.

I could but I am off to tell my husband Oreos made me gay