Guess how much I care about your religion or lack thereof ...

Atheist who call all religious people dumb, sheep, deluded, etc, I had your fuck in my back pocket but turns out that pocket had a hole.  OOPS

Religious people who tell me I am going to hell, Look up in the sky. See that fuck flying in the east. It was set aside for you but ... I'm not gonna give it to ya. 

People who bang on my door, NO FUCKS FOR YOU

People who try to make religion law, Ok because I don't want to live under the Taliban, I have to give a fuck ... but it will be with a splintery broom!

Really people. I am so sick of hearing about how YOUR way is the RIGHT way.
 I DON"T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!

Seriously now though
Christians who judge me and tell me I am going to hell. Really now? Is THAT was Jesus would have done?

Atheist who judge and call me names for believing is a higher power. Wasn't it you bitching last week about how you hate being judged on that ONE aspect of who you are. Yeah I hate that shit too, so stop with the juvenile name calling.

And yes I am ok with being an Infidel. I have no issue with you wanting to practice Islam as long as you leave me alone about not wanting to.

So in conclusion. Being a Muslim, Pagan, Atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist WHATEVER
is not the problem. The problem is that some people are dicks and dicks can be found in every social subset. Stop making sweeping gerealizations, stop being a dick, and
 FOR FUCK SAKES STOP TELLING ME WHY YOUR WAY IS BETTER THAN MINE 

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, BUT IF YOU TRY TO FORCE ME TO, THE FUCK YOU ARE LIKELY TO GET, WILL BE MADE OUT OF METAL AND BE FULL OF RUSTY SPLINTERS!!!!

11 cents an hour! That's what I'm worth.

Yep that is what I learned last week I apparently value my time at ALMOST 11 cents an hour!

The people making Ipods in Chinese sweat shops get paid more than that.

See my toddler lost my keys last week. I spent three frantic days searching for them. Three days of my life I will never get back. Three days of sifting through kitty litter, emptying garbage cans and putting my hand up a cows butt. Ok so the cow in question was a puppet but the rest of it was still nasty.  I needed to find the keys because when I googled it I was told it would cost $200 plus to put in a new ignition.

OMG I can't afford that. Well I could but it wouldn't be easy! So instead of forking out the dough I stayed  housebound and rechecked all the places I had already looked. NOTHING, NADA, the keys had found my homes extra dimensional portal and went off to visit all the left socks and gloves.

As a last ditch effort my dad called the dealership and they said they could cut new keys from the VIN number on my registration.

Hallelujah ..  praise the lord .. I am saved. 

He went to the dealership for me (since I couldn't drive my car)  and returned with a shiny new key. For 48 dollars I avoided a new ignition. When  went to give him the money he laughed and told me "Just kidding it was $8.42"

Eight dollars and forty two cents. For a savings of not even nine dollars I gave up three days of my life. Are you fucking kidding me? That makes the value of my time less than 11 cents an hour! I ran the math.

Seriously America ?

Why is a Kinder Surprise egg (shown below) illegal in the United States but a fully automatic assault rifle with armor piercing rounds is ok?

I mean sure a kid COULD choke on a kinder egg if the parents don't watch them but these same idiot parents who don't supervise their kids can own guns?

REALLY???

This is what your lawmakers do with their time?  I mean not even making this about gun control

In what universe is a chocolate covered toy so dangerous that it needs to be more strictly controlled than fire arms?

 How much time and energy does Border Patrol exert ensuring no one smuggles in these high risk toys for young children to enjoy.


When is the last time a disgruntled postal worker went on a killing spree by lobbing kinder eggs.

Terrorist don't throw then into busy subways

Gangs don't chuck them out the windows during drive bys killing toddlers

Seriously America. Your priorities are FUCKED UP!

Sorry I was ... or will be

Dear Parents, Teachers, and everyone else who had to deal with me.

     I am sorry.

     I am sorry that I was a teenager.
 That I was stupid, selfish and self centered. 
I am sorry that I was smart enough to make a plan, but too GOD DAMN STUPID, to make a good one.
I am sorry I ever tried to make a point using concepts I obviously didn't grasp.
 I am sorry that I underestimated you at every turn at treated you as if your parents were first cousins and you had glaringly obvious mental defects.
 Mostly though I am sorry the law prevented you from taking me out behind the barn and beating the stupid out of me. It probably wouldn't have worked but I bet you would have felt better.


Dear society

     I am sorry

 I am sorry that I was a toddler.
 I am sorry that I walked slowly and erratically down the grocery aisles making it impossible for you to pass me.
 I am sorry that I thought the word poop was the height of comedy.
I am sorry that I realized  banshee scream was a super power and tried it out on everyone I passed.
 I am sorry I randomly barked at people in parking lots making them uncomfortable.
 I am sorry that although leashes may have caught on muzzles were and are illegal for small children.


Dear Children.

I am sorry

I am sorry that I am gonna get old.
 I am sorry that I am not going to realize my own limitation.
 I am sorry that you are going to loose sleep wondering if I remembered to take my meds.
I am sorry I am going to be fiercely independent even after it would be safer for me to utilize assisted living.
 I am sorry I am going to hold on to my license like it is a lifeline long after my driving has become a threat to society.
I am sorry I will call you three times to tell you something important only to forget what it was each and every time.
 I  will NOT be sorry if you have to change my diapers though. You have that one coming

Geeks are cool .... you're a poser

"So Jill said you were a geek, I know we will be best friends then because I am such a total geek too! I love Harry Potter I read it like twice"

"What's Dumbledores full name?"

"Huh"

"DUMBLEDORE! what is is full name?"

"Um, Albus?"

"Wow I think I would rather gouge my own eye out with a spork than be your friend"

    Now Knowing Dumbledore's full name is not exactly a prerequisite to being my friend, it's Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore if you were wondering, but if you are going to try to establish your geekhood based on HP it seems like something you should obviously know. Most diehards memorized it by accident.

In case your wondering that was pulled from real life conversations. I am a geek and I make no bones about it. The things I geek out about may have changed over time but my basic inner Sheldon has remained.In Jr high and high school I was a theater, chess, and choir geek. Books and music were my life with a bit of rugby thrown in for anger management. 

Now I am a book and music geek who runs a bi weekly game of D&D, plays magic the gathering, and gets more excited by a spirited, yet civil, debate than a naked Colin Farrell (ok well maybe that is a toss up) but my geekness remains an integral part of me.

The problem (?) is that somewhere along the way being a geek became cool, I used to think I wanted to be cool but now I have changed my mind. People pretending to be what I am annoys the shit out of me. It is bad enough I have to live in a world surrounded by idiots but now they are pretending we have something in common. It is kind of insulting. 

why yes, my friends were raised in a barn

I did an experiment and it turns out as much as we claim otherwise human beings prefer to be in a dirty home.

This is a great revelation on a few levels.

1) if you don't want company, just clean like the queen is coming. Never, not once, have I swept, scrubbed, and scoured every surface in my home only to have unexpected company arrive while it still smelled lemony fresh.

2) If you are lonely or in a funk just stop cleaning. Yesterday I did no housework, I didn't even wash dishes. My floors had three kids worth of dirt on them, and my trash can was over flowing. I had NINE count 'em NINE unexpected guest last night.

Now I am not basing my conclusions on one occurrence. This has happened countless times in my life. To the point I want a sign that says

My house was clean yesterday

sorry you missed it

 Not only do I GET more company when my house is a pig stye, they stay longer. If a friend does accidentally wander in on a tidy home I can almost guarantee they will be gone again in 5 mins. However if it smells vaguely of 'eau de what the hell is that anyways?' they will stay and chat for hours, then ask to see the baby's room .......

Stupid people are breeding .....

I just ran across this post on Facebook. 

Is pretty grossed out and will never be drinking pepsi and probably never pop after reading about them using the fetal cells from aborted babies in there flavoring!! Pretty grossed out!!

Seriously? you believe this? for even a second .... god I wish I could unfriend you!

If only there was some way you could just type in a few key words and get all the information you wanted about a subject without even leaving your computer. Any techie people want to help me design one, I am thinking of calling it "Google"  and then maybe after that we could create a fact checking site and call it something crazy like "snopes"

Seriously I am so tired of these fear mongering post being passed around. It makes me scared because most of the people doing it have reproduced or will someday, I am starting to wondering if there  has been some prolific inbreeding in my area over the last few generations to cause this spike in stupidity?

Lets take fact checking right out of it for a moment. Do you REALLY think a company as profitable as Pepsi would do something so STUPID  to endanger their earnings? Common sense tells me this is bullshit, fact checking just gave me proof of what a moron you are.

 If this was a once in a while thing I could probably handle it. Last year it was a craze over an influx of "poisonous caterpillars" well the picture of this new and deadly species that had invaded the area was the same as the pet I had 15 years ago, checked with dad he he played with them as a kid too, in fact his pet brontosaurus liked to eat them. 

There was people freaking out over babyfood recalls, if you read the article it affected food on another continent , every week it is something new. Once ina w hile I get taken in too, but some people I just want to set their home page to www.snopes.com